Just sing the saddest song for me, revive me

I don't know why but for some reason, I have felt angsty all day...
And for the most part the day was uneventful...
I have felt restless all day, and of course I had absolutely nowhere to be.
The weather was rainy (Which is my favorite)
But I just wanted to be around another human who I like, I didn't even need to talk.
And I found myself with nowhere to really turn.
In my attempt to find another I called my friend and basically invited myself over
(with permission)
I walked in on tension and then felt bad for intruding...
So I excused myself and drove around for about an hour.
I then called another friend, who I discovered, was having some of her own drama.
I felt crazy alone.
(not even a Peppermint hot Coco could mend my mood)
I eventually landed in Barnes and Noble, read a book and then came home to write this.
Now I am currently listening to Say Anything's "I used to have a heart."
There is a part in the song that stuck out to me and I feel like it's really fitting for how I feel at the moment:

All I want to do is be mended by you
I don't want to be confused, I just want to find you
All I want to kill is that which keeps me ill
Underwhelmed and unfulfilled

That's me in a nutshell today.
That expresses me more then all the words I could type here.
I feel rejected and let down by life today...
I think I'm being a tad dramatic...
I'm going to stop writing now...

Why me....

Defeat is written on her face as she looks at the computer screen...

Her eye's become glossy and tears well up on the bottom lashes.

She turns her face upward and let's out a sigh of anguish.

She pushes the laptop off of her in disgust and gets out of the bed.

She stands for a moment swaying on her feet.

As if an imaginary sting has been cut she falls to the floor as her body goes limp.

That's where her parents found her two hours later.

Her face pressed into the hardwood floor as she sobs silently.

A few hours later...

The men picked her up and placed her on a gurney.

They rolled her out of the room, her mother and father stood by helplessly

watching their eldest daughter wrapped in a crisp white straight jacket.

Her face was pale and her eyes were wide and red.

She was speaking in a hurried whispers as she passed them.

She whispered "I missed it, I missed it, how could I miss it."

Her words began to blur into each other as if she was speaking another language.

The above story (that I just wrote) is how I feel on the inside....

The reason you ask...

So Max Bemis is doing solo shows in Feb...

They went on sale today at 1pm....

I forgot...

So now... *Sob* I can't go.....

I can't believe I forgot!!!!

I am super mad at myself....

Sooo bummed...

I missed it....

*Side note* I dyed the back of my hair blue, I was really happy about that until this happened... life sucks right now....

For a minute there I lost myself.... I lost myself....

So I'm kinda depressed lately...

I just don't want to talk to anyone, I feel myself slowly fold into myself.

It's like when something works out, something shitty happens

I got my Say Anything tickets in the mail and

then my car gets a flat at night next to a cemetery.

I find out that My Chemical Romance is going to be in New York in December

(Live Nation contacted me with the presale)

and I was and am pretty excited.

The tickets are like $50, then I get a ticket for running a red light in the mail.

There goes $50...

I know that was my fault but it's just like can't I catch a break.

I just... gahh... I want to dig a hole stick my head in it and pretend I don't exist.

Maybe I'll just do that.

I think I hate myself right now...

I hate where I'm at...

I am self sabotaging....

I feel like crap...

Things are becoming more apparent to me...

and they are hard things to face...

I am trying to make myself happy but failing miserably...

I don't know what to do anymore...

I just want to lay in bed and cry....

I want to cry until my eyes are dry and they hurt.

I feel like a failure at life and I don't know how to make it better..

I'm lost....

Wish upon a star but...Do you know what stars are?

I'm disgusted...

Today I had a wake up call and things are going to change

I can't go on like this.... I will not go on like this.

I'm am soo over it.

I need to make an exit strategy and bail.

I am wasting away in this and this is not how I planned to go down

But I have to do what is in my best interest because no one else is going to.

I am responsible for my own happiness and right now I don't think I'm happy...

I feel like the sand castle I built is finally crumbling and I need to get out before I get buried...

I realize most people have no Idea what I am talking about and that's ok.

What is important is that I am at a transitional stage of my life and what I do now will determine

the next few years of my life....I hope I make the right decisions

It's Pivotal....

Starbucks Fail....

So I just got back from what I thought would be a enjoyable Starbucks visit...

I was wrong...

I walked into Starbucks all happy and ordered my usual Peppermint Hot Chocolate

So I move over to the pick up area...

as I did so I was listening (as I often do) to the conversation going on behind the counter

The cashier tells the Barista(who reminded me of Seth Rogen) my order and he replies

"Dude, I don't even know what the last people ordered"

So the Cashier repeats their order as well as mine.

He kinda looked at him with a "Your a waste of my time" look on his face.

So the Barista starts making drinks at a snails pace...

All the while he is chatting to the other people waiting to get their drinks.

so he makes them their drinks and the girl makes a face and he said

"I can see you not to thrilled about that drink, how about I make you something else"

(In my head i'm like i've been standing here 5 F***ing minutes how about you make my drink)

She was all like "Sure, do i pay extra?"

and then he said "No don't worry about it" (insert grin here)

So about 2 minutes later he says "Peppermint Mocha"

I look around like who else loves peppermint...

I look back at him and he's staring dead at me... So I say

"Is that mine?"

"Yeah"

"Oh, you mean Peppermint Hot Chocolate"

"No, Peppermint Mocha"

"I ordered a Peppermint Hot Chocolate"

He looks at the cashier, who at this point just looks at him in hopes that he will burst into flames.

He then said "She ordered a Peppermint Hot Chocolate"

At this point I just want to get the heck out of there, so I said.

"It's fine, I'll just take this"

The cashier (Who looked like he felt sorry for me) says "you know it has coffee in it?"

To which I reply "Yeah it's fine, don't worry about it, It's not that big of a deal"

(It was a big deal)

I didn't want that barista to make me anything else, most likely he would only mess it up and I was so over it... I just wanted to leave.

So I take my Peppermint Mocha which Sucked and

Walked back to my car with disappointment and defeat in my heart.

So Yeah that's my sad tale of woe.

If he had just made my drink right... It would have made my day better.

*Side note* My sewing machine has been in the shop and I miss it....

I am grown up at 23, will someone tell me what it takes to be happy

This will be a post of statements:

I'm just so stressed out lately

Fed up with a lot of things

I want to find a place to call home

My life is at a stand still

I went to the Juggle This fest on sat, it was Fun.

I can't wait for Bamboozle right now it's like a beacon of light in my life.

Why can't life be like in the movies

I don't feel happy

I feel twisted & conflicted inside

I feel alone

What a depressing post

Maybe I should go see a movie

should I even post this

What would make me happy now

right this very instant

sleep?

music?

reading?

making new friends?

It's so hard to make new friends sometimes

sometimes they turn out to be mean people

that you didn't want as ur friend to begin with

~Sigh~

Today is my one day off and not a single second has be spent on me..

How do u know if ur being used?

Why do some of the people in my life want to change me.

I like me the way I am

Come take my pulse, the pace is on a runaway train...

Is life easier then I'm making it seem...

The last few days my head has been in a cloud.

I feel like I'm struggling for air.. and I can't figure out why.

I would hate to think I am living a meaningless life, but isn't the goal of life to be happy...

The problem is my head is living beyond my means, I want to do everything, is that even possible, when I look back on my life I want to think "Wow that was a great ride"

at this point in my life I don't think that will happen for me. Maybe it's too late or who knows maybe it isn't..

Ugh am I making any sense whatsoever... I'm so stuck in my brain.

I can feel it in my bones that there's something more to my life,

I just have to figure out what...

Anyway..

Let me give u a super mini life update:

Music i'm listening to: Metric (Great band)

Fave food at the moment: Indian

Something I'm neglecting: Photography

Movies I've been watching like an addict: District B-13 1 & 2

Crafty thing: Crocheting a small rug.

Craving: Brownies

Wearing: Alot of black (as per usual)

Website Obsession: Twitter

Frustration: My Car, which better not have anything wrong with it.

Missing: Emma Rose

Worrying: About the my direction of my life.

What I Wants: 1960's movie called "My Six Love's" starring Debbie Reynolds

Ok I think that's it for now, Talk to y'all later!

*Side note* Still haven't gotten my hair cut..

Deconstruction of a Girl in a cloud...

As of late I feel like I have been Living in a golden fog,

Everything is shiny and bright,

I can not see past my nose,

I move through it like nothing is there.

What is fog but a cloud that visits the earth?

I have had my head in a cloud for so long but my cloud is so heavy with all of my hopes, dreams and everything that I want to do in my life,

that the time has come for my clean converses to feel the dirt.

Realization is upon me and it rubs against me like heavy duty sand paper.

The fog is lifting and I am beginning to see things for what they really are.

Ugh this post is soooo Depressing!!

I have been listening to Paramore's new album like non-stop for the past week.

It's so amazing.

I got a rola bola for Christmas, I don't wanna brag but I pretty good at it. ^_^

Well anyway that's all for now.

Here's a small list of things I want to one day do:

1. Learn how to blow glass.

2. Finish my book.

3. Learn to juggle 4 balls.

4. Row a boat in Central Park by myself.

5. Learn the Violin properly.

6. Learn to Surf

7. Learn Ariel hoop and/or Chinese silks.

8. Go to the National Circus School in Montreal.

9. Learn French.

10. Get some sick 1960's or 1920's clothing

Jack of all Trades, Master at none

Today, lots of thoughts have been running through my head, too many…

Sometimes I think it’s better to be simple-minded at least that way you won’t know that you’re throwing your life away.

I guess that is what I have been feeling lately, I know no one can make me happy but me, it’s not as easy as it seems.

Time is holding me captive like it does everyone else.

Is my only choice to make the best of it or do I have the option to fight it kicking and screaming? It passes so quickly, I take a breath and a week has passed, I move my hand to my face and there goes a year.

Hmmm.

I picked up my computer and had all intentions of writing about music and the amazing effect it has upon ones soul, but it seems my mind had other things planned.

Let me try and steer you away from my depression introspective.

I find myself listening to Death Cab for Cutie more, my favorite song right now has to be "Passenger seat".

It’s slow and melodic but it captures my heart in a way that cannot be explained. Although I find the one song that encompasses how I feel is "the sound of Settling". It’s short but upbeat, you find yourself singing along with it.

Despite the upbeat tempo I feel like the song is attempting to give the listener a wakeup call by telling them that at one point the singer may have felt himself settling when he knew he could do so much more.

The line I love most is "My brains repeating, if you’ve got an impulse let it out."

It’s strange how writing this out makes the weight on my chest lighter. I think that is all I have to say for now. Sorry this was such a depressing post I’ll try to make the next post upbeat. ^_^

Here are some pictures that are lifting my spirits at the moment

the following found at http://ache.tumblr.com/

Weird.....

That's how I am feeling right now.

For the most part I am a pretty happy person...but that's not how I feel right now.

I can't really describe it.

I have felt like this before and I don't like it.

It's almost as if I have this weight (literally) on my chest. I think my depression has manifested itself into existence. Not much to do about it but ride it out. i was hoping that by expressing myself a little it would go away.....

but alas it is still here....woe is me.