Friday, January 30, 2009

I've become content with this life that I lead, Where I drink to much and don't believe in much of anything...

Lately I have been crocheting up a storm. I made 2 hats!!

I am sooo proud of myself!

I printed out a pattern online and stayed in my room until I figured it out, which I did.

So now I want to learn how to knit. I will be taking classes in Feb when I get back from Ireland. I can not wait, until then I will be trying my hand at making a Afghan... Why is it called that AFGHAN... What does it even mean Aaaa..Ffff...Ggg..Hhhhh...Aaa...Nnn.

Why not just say blanket. What ever, I have to ge back to my Crocheting.
Look as these super cute T'shirt designs from...

Monday, January 26, 2009

That's a Strange place for a Piano....

So lately I have been posting a lot more then usual.
I think that's cause I have a lot of things all jumbled in my mind right now.
Things are bugging me and I'm having a hard time sleeping at night.
I think my Insomnia is back.
It has to do with a thyroid condition I recently found out I have, but unfortunately I can't do much about it because I no longer have any health insurance. I feel myself getting a lot more personal on here then I normally get.
But whatever I need to get it out.
I think what it comes down to is that I feel like shit..
I haven't picked up my Diabolo in weeks, i haven't even juggled. They usually make me feel better when I feel like but it's like I can't bring myself to pick them up.
And the dreams....
They have been really vivid lately. It's like I cant sleep alot but when I do I remember so much, colors, places, people, the things that happen and what we say.
It's kind of insane...

Of Course MY Sister gets Powers!!

Mind Power
Mind Power,
originally uploaded by Fairyflames4.
Can you believe this!! I am the one thats into comic books and she get the mind powers!! ugh I am like so disgusted with my life right now. I want super powers!!!!!!

Sunday, January 25, 2009

But with nobody in your bed, The night is hard to get through...

It'a 2 in the AM and I'm still awake...
I've been listening to a lot of Brand New lately.
My current favorite song is "The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot"
There's just something so honest about the lyrics.
"If it makes you less sad, I'll move out of this state. You can keep you yourself. I'll keep out of your way. And if it makes you less sad I'll take your pictures all down. Every picture you paint I will paint myself out.."
A close second would be "Sic Transit Gloria.. Glory fades"
"He whispers that he loves her, but she's probably only ready for Sss... So much more than he could ever give A life free of lies and a meaningful relationship. He keeps his hands pinned down at his sides He waits for it to end and for the aching in his guts to subside "
Can you say amazing, that songs makes me think about all the times in our lives that we do things to make other people happy, we push away our own pain and discomfort to satisfy the needs of others.
But tell me this, Who's going to satisfy your needs, If your always giving of yourself

Friday, January 23, 2009

HEY! Do I know you?

Have you ever seen someone in the street that you think you know and just want to run up to them and say
"Hey! Do I know you?"
Yeah, me neither.
I tend to avoid awkward-ness like that...
I probably won't remember their name, and then I'm all like... "Oh, Its you."
"Yeah... (awkward pause) How are you?"
Then they mumble something in response, I'm to busy trying to remember who they are to pay attention to what they are saying,
So then I'm like
"So, I never thought I would run into you here"
they they say "Why I've worked here for 9 years"
And then it snaps in your head, oh yeah....
they work at the video store that i used to go to all the time and this is their other job.
Now I have to backtrack and make up some lame ass excuse as to why I didn't realize who they were.
It's like a whole exhausting process that I want no part of.
Now that's not to say I'm anti-social, cause I not....Sometimes...
But it's like you haven't seen me in a small Milena, how do u still know who I am.
I don't even know how I started to write about this....
This hasn't happened to me recently.
How my brain works has to be a mystery of science.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Dude, I dont think I can handle all this magic....

I can't believe that in just a few weeks time, I will be hopping on a plane to Ireland, and spending a lovely week with Nix, also I have been working on these shirts that I bought and will be going into my shop when I'm done, I have to say they are Tre Cute-tatstic.
I will post some pics when I'm done with them which will hopefully be tonight, well till then, BYE!!!!
*Side Note*
Thanks to Banana I will be slamming all night.
lol she knows what I mean!

Monday, January 19, 2009

Controller v.s. Genuine... A Neverending Cycle

So I have been meaning to sit down and write this post, I have had it all worked out in my head and now I'm going to put it down on paper so to speak. This is going to be semi serious so prep yourself. I want to talk about people and their lasting effect on other people.
Their are some people out there who like to control and hurt others, they meet a person who is kind, honest and genuine and fool the other person into thinking they are the same.
They grow closer and then when its too late for the Genuine to notice, the Controller plays games with the other person, and it can be any game that cause mental and or physical pain. It makes no difference they just love the power of controlling the Genuine. The Genuine has blinders on and can't see how the controller is using them, some of them can even see it but they are in denial.
It gets to the point where the Controller has taken the Genuine's heart and has for the most part destroyed it, leaving only enough for the Genuine to survive. The ruined Genuine goes through life by living in the past, the pain of what the Controller did, everlasting.
The ruined Genuine eventually meets another Genuine, but considers themselves ruined and destroyed, no longer good for anybody but the Controller that ruined them.
The Genuine can see the good that the ruined Genuine can't see in them self.
They are both drawn to the good parts of each other, but the ruined Genuine is so afraid of the pain, and won't give the other genuine a chance.
So the other Genuine is left to think something is wrong with them when the ruined Genuine can't see past the Controller, which fills them with self doubt and leaves them very confused. All the Genuine can do is sit and wait for the ruined Genuine's heart to heal and eyes to open.
My only fear is that the ruined Genuine will wait till its to late to open their eyes.
This may not have made a lot of sense to you, but to me it makes perfect sense.
People that have been ruined by a Controller, I'm going to say this to you.
"When you meet a new person, keep your guard up, not all the way up just a little. Listen to what they say and how they say it. The Genuine will prove themselves over and over again to you, they will be there for you when you need them and they will always have an open ear for u to whisper your problems to. A Controller will manipulate you into doing what they want you to do, they will talk only about themselves and when they see that your not feeding into their manipulations they cut you out of their life. This is how you will tell the difference. When you find the right Genuine, you'll know."
*Side Note*
Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop trying to figure out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want, and just see what happens

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Black and White

14/365
14/365,
originally uploaded by Fairyflames4.
I have felt sick all day, I imagine I look like this, I feel a little broken inside, one of my cogs must be jammed.

Monday, January 12, 2009

9 things.... I'm thinking about...

1. Last night <3
2. Getting a pinapple surf smoothie
3. Plaques that I need to paint.
4. Ideas for new plaques.
5. Music
6. Movies I want to watch
7. Trip to Ireland
8. Heading to the gym
9. Framing hanleys "lollipop" cover

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Thinking and thinking.....my brain doesn't stop....

I'm going to get deep here....

Career:
Lately I have been putting a lot of things into perspective. I have been slacking off with my career(EMS) I think I am afraid that I'm not good enough. I will be putting someones life in my hands, What if I make a mistake, a mistake that could potentially end someone Else's life, could I handle that responsibility?.... I guess it is normal to have these kinds of fears, at least i hope it is.

Love:
I am tired of being hurt, I know I wasn't meant to be someones doormat. It's like I have string attached to my heart, every time I begin to really like someone a new string gets attached, when they disappoint me the string gets tugged and depending on the hurt I get a sharp pain, a tear in the muscle , a rip or a chunk pulled out of my heart. My heart must look like road kill, part of that is my fault, I am too forgiving, too accepting of peoples flaws, too easy to hurt.

Life:
The people that surround me are either popping out children, in committed relationships, in college, or starting their career. And here I am a single 22 year old with too many dreams to fit into one lifetime, an artist that does nothing with her talent, I know who I am but I have a fear of not being accepted, for to many years I was told I was strange or weird, but I love those strange a weird quirks about myself, that makes me who I am.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

22 years aged

So I am back I know I have been missing for a while but with the holiday season new years and my Birthday...Yes. thats right I said it, My 22nd Birthday happened December 31st! Its always a whirlwind around here during the seasons and I love it! Now that it is over its been pretty mundane around here, not much to report... Wow I guess this is going to be a short post..... lets see... ok yeah Im done, nothing else to say, Talk to everyone soon!!!