I'm not their hero but that doesn't mean that I wasn't brave

Im in love love love with Tegan and Sara's new album, 

its fun, 

amazing lyrically 

and makes me want to dance.

Who could ask for more?

My favorite song for the album right now is... 

(Drum roll)

"I'm not your Hero"

The song just speaks to me. 

I feel like it relates all the things I went though last year.

I feel like I started the year like the begining of the song 

"Standing where I am now, standing up at all
I was used to feeling like I was never gonna see myself at the finish line
Hanging on to parts of me, hanging on at all
I was used to seeing no future in my sight line"

I've come so far from where I was last January, 

I was feeling sad and I was questioning a lot of the things and people around me.

 I was really struggling and somewhere in the following months I decided that I needed to change my way of thinking and start looking towards the positive side of life.

This is where the second part of the song comes into play

 

 "Feeling like I am now lighting up the hall
I was used to standing in the shadow of a damaged heart
Learning all I know now, losing all I did
I never used to feel like I'd be standing so far ahead"

I am so ridiculously happy.

I found someone that completely understands me and loves me no matter what.

I have been given the greatest gift.

*Side Note* I want pizza...

I'm caught up in this moment, caught up in your smile...

So many thing are changing this year...

I love it.

I felt for so long that I was at a standstill with myself. 

I was at a cross road making no decisions just sitting there wavering back and forth about my future.

For the first time I feel like I'm making progress.

Recently I was watching a video posted by John Green, the author of "Looking for Alaska" and "Paper Towns". I adore this man, he is seriously such an inspiration.

In the video he answers a question "How do I figure out what to do with my life", this is a question I have been struggling with my entire life, I never wanted to close doors for myself so I had a hard time making decisions. John Green attacks the question by disagreeing with it and he's right.

We approach life as the end all be all, we decide our career path and then we meet a person that we want to share life with, we procreate and die. This ideal is so bland. Don't get me wrong I want to do some of that but I also want to do so much more. I want to take advantage of life to the fullest and live, truly Live.

I require sustenance in the form of knowledge and life experiences.

Earlier this year I made a conscience decision to change the way I approached life and since making that decision, my life has changed for the better and I only see things getting better. 

*Side note*  Love life the way you love yourself.

You're in my body... That's where I think about you

Over a month ago I met a boy...

He makes me feel cherished, special, treasured and adored.

I feel like anything is possible with him. I'm not worried about feeling strange or awkward in front of him, in fact, I feel like he embraces my weirdness.

That's a first for me...

The wall that I built around myself apparently had a secret door that he found and slipped right into. I've never felt this way before.

He's sooo amazing... strong but kind and gentle, he makes me laugh and smile, he's genuine, smart, charming, handsome and I trust him.

That's insane considering I've known him for such a short time but I don't even care. It feels so right. He's everything I could have hoped for and more.

I'm so lucky to have him in my life, it amazes me how much he gets and understands me... I'm so ridiculously happy to be with him.

collapse right on the back of tumbling waves...

I feel like I have cotton in my head instead of a brain.
I am aware that I tend to over think things but lately I feel like I am just completely thick. I am struggling to come to terms with my life and decide which way I want to turn.
I hate the way I've let someone get under my skin and open up parts of myself that I had kept closed in order to keep myself safe.
I am walking in a emotional hallway made of broken glass one wrong turn and its over for me. I have been here before and just managed to make it out.
It took me 3 years to fully recover from my previous injuries,
Do I really want to open myself up to get hurt again?
I scared it might already be too late.

I've been having really vivid dreams lately...
I have been want to write them down before I forget them.

Dream 1
I am in a boarding school, my mother works as a teacher there.
I am heading to one of my classes and I meet a brother and sister.
We become friends and we discover that we are heading to the same class so we decide that we will walk together. so were walking, and I usually took the long way to the class but they said they knew a shortcut and it cost a dollar.
We took the shortcut and it took us to an elevator, we got in and the doors began to close
a hand stopped the door from closing and it opened again revealing 3 people two guys and a girl.
They piled into the elevator and my new friends said it was too crowded and exited the elevator leaving me and the 3 people.
One of the guys caught my attention and I kept peeking up to look at him only to find him looking back at me. The doors closed and the elevator began to move, I couldn't tell in which direction.
The elevator came to a stop and the doors opened to a beach. I looked out the doors and said "Shit" as I dropped my things and ran down the beach shedding shoes and socks as I went.
A yacht was on fire and sinking in the ocean, when I looked back the 3 people were doing the same rushing to help the people on the sinking ship. I jumped in and started dragging people to shore and then I looked on the boat and there was Paris Hilton. I swam out again to rescue her and dragged her to shore. I collapsed on the beach my chest heaving and I looked at the guy again and he was all wet and breathing the same way, watching me.

Dream 2
I was a mermaid...
I was swimming in the ocean free and carelessly, I swam to a cove where other mermaids were hanging out, I sat on a rock that was just barely covered with water and watched the other mermaid and mermen chat and swim as I flicked my tail back and forth.
Out of the ocean a merman that I knew swam up to me and reached his hand out to me.
It was an invitation.
I grasped his hand and he pulled me into a hug.
Still in the hug we dove underwater and he swam taking me with him, he held onto me tight and I felt like I was safe and home.

Is it weird that my dreams lately are having a running ocean theme? Last night I had another dream but I don't remember it as well, but I do know that I was on a pirate ship in the ocean and there was a Chinese man on the boat with me...
That's all I remember...
I know random...

*Side note* I really hope that I can make it out of the glass hallway unscathed...

White demon love song's in her dreams....

I was just listening to White Demon Love Song by The Killers...
You know that moment when you hear a song that you've
heard before and for the first time you really hear it.
Well I just had one of those moments.
Its like waking up.
I haven't done a song interpretation in a while
So after letting the song encapsulate my brain I figured I would do one....

The song starts off by telling you a story of a girl that is in love
with someone that doesn't love her the same way
and the memory of him is haunting her.

White demon love song down the hall
White demon shadow on the road
Back up your mind, there is a call
He isn't coming after all
Love this time
She likes the way he sings
White demon love song's in her dreams

She misses him and when he walks back into her life
she is hesitant because of the pain that he caused her in the first place.
she realizes that she has placed him on a pedestal that he can not live up to.
All he ever brought her was tears.

White demon, where's your selfish kiss?
White demon sorrow will arrange
Let's not forget about the fear
Black invitation to this place that cannot change
While strangely holy, come for a rain

She tells him how much he hurt her
in hopes that he might see the error of his ways
She tells him that he will end up alone
if he keeps treating people with such disregard

(Darling)
White demon, widen your heart's scope
White demon, who let your friends go?
White demon, widen your heart's scope
White demon, who let your friends go?

She offers him one last chance, almost pleading with him.

Let us be in love
(Let us be in love)
Let's do old and grey
(Let's do old and grey)
I won't make you cry
(I won't make you cry)
I will never stray
(I will never stray)
I will do my part
(I will do my part)
Let us be in love tonight

White demon, widen your heart's scope
White demon, who let your friends go?
White demon, widen your heart's scope
White demon, who let your friends go?

(Stand it anymore, darling)
(Stand it)

He sees the dept to which he has hurt her and he decides that he wants to be with her
But she doesn't want to be with him, she just wanted the choice,
and she doesn't want to be with a man that she had to plead with to love her.
She tells him to learn to deal with the consequences of his actions.
She leaves feeling lighter.

(I can't stand it anymore, darling)
(Stand it)

What do you think?
I went to songmeanings.com to see if someone else had gotten the same thing from the song
but the people there are either comparing it to twilight or hating on the twilight people.
Truth is music is interpreted by the person that is listening to it and sometimes they make it mean what they need it to mean.

Psychic Reading

She started off by telling me
"Your stubborn and when you want to get things done you do.
Your a very productive person, you are always doing some thing. You like to keep busy but I see that you have been stuck in a place that is not good for you involving your career..."

The she asked me where I was working and I told her.
"I see new things happening for you in your career something different from what you are doing now, before the end of this year a job in the arts."

"right now this is the time for your career and friends, I see new friends coming into your life but keep your old friends they are genuine people"

"As far as love I see two people in your past that really hurt you, One still thinks about you because you were the only person that made an effort to be with him and the other person you were genuine with and he didn't know how to be with you, He was the kind of person that doesn't know how to be in a relationship, I also see an issue with substance abuse, I see that he isn't in the right state of mind and I don't see the relationship turning into anything. "

"There are a lot of men around you right now but you have not meet the "One".
You will be married in two years and before the end of the year you will meet the "One" he will have dark hair and dark eyes"

"I see you moving" then she asked me what my living situation was like.
"I see you living with friends but the your moving before the end of this year"

So that was my reading, apparently a lot of things are going to be happening for me by the end of this year. My issue with getting psychic readings is does knowing create a self fulfilling prophecy?

Although I will say she was spot on about how I was feeling about my work situation.
The thing is she's really consistent with her readings like last time I was there almost a year ago she said I was going to be married in 3 years and now its 2 years.
Well lets see what happens? ^_^

My Sister's 18th!!

Today my sister is 18 years old...

Its really strange for me to say that, it feels like shes still 12 years old..
but shes only 2 years from 20.
Blows my mind.
I am proud of the young woman she has started to become
and
I can't wait to see the young woman she will be.
So on this day...
Happy birthday Angelia
(aka Monkey aka Lea aka Pip aka Angeloser aka Lee)
I love you!
^_^
(After looking at some pictures of my sister and I,
we always seem to be on the same sides of our most of out pictures.. weird)

I want to share my love with you.....

A note on the circus:

I want to be apart of the making of magic,
I want to be around the weavers of fantasy, the spinners of dreams and the creators of the illusion. I want to breathe in the air that has tiny invisible sparkles of light that cause you to see everything with a childlike sense of wonder.

I want to feed off the happiness of the crowd and let it engulf me in a storm of silver glitter and golden light, stealing me away to a place that knows no sadness only joy and a lightness of the soul that never lets me touch the ground.

I crave the nomadic lifestyle, nothing static, my world in a constant state of flux.
New faces attached to a different town that looks like a place I once knew in another life.

I want the smell of cotton candy and fresh popcorn to fill my nostrils every morning upon my waking and I want the sound of children's laughter to drown out the doubts that haunt me at night. I want the vibrations of the crowd's cheers to crawl inside my skin and cause it to hum and glow with light.
But what I want more then anything is to become the illusion,
not just the maker or the designer,
when you look at me I want you to have to shield your eyes
because the light that I am emitting is too much for your eyes to handle.
I want to soar up high in a cloud of shear white silk and rhinestones, not unlike a comet making a trail in the night sky, your eyes glued to the magic unfolding before you.

This is the place that I visit in the small corner of my mind.
So if you see a girl with brown hair and brown eyes that are staring off into space and you wonder where her mind has taken her.
That girl is me and that girl is also circus performer dancing among the stars.

Lovely Words

I found this quote from Neil Gaiman that I love, enjoy:

"There are a hundred things she has tried to chase away the things she won't remember and that she can't even let herself think about because that's when the birds scream and the worms crawl and somewhere in her mind it's always raining a slow and endless drizzle.

You will hear that she has left the country, that there was a gift she wanted you to have, but it is lost before it reaches you. Late one night the telephone will sign, and a voice that might be hers will say something that you cannot interpret before the connection crackles and is broken.

Several years later, from a taxi, you will see someone in a doorway who looks like her, but she will be gone by the time you persuade the driver to stop. You will never see her again.

Whenever it rains you will think of her. "
— Neil Gaiman

The sun is shining somewhere

Happy Valentines Day!
In honor of this day I have come up w ith 2 song playlist for you to check out.
For those of you who are attached, grab the one you love and have a micro dance party.

1. I want you-- Fefe Dobson
2. Crush'd-- Say Anything (of course)
3. Must have dones something right-- Relient K
4. Green eyes-- I am the Avalanche

5. She likes me for me-- Collective Soul
6.Valentine-- Shades Apart

For those of you who are single, grab your Ice cream of choice and grab these songs:

1. No Surprise-- Theory of a Deadman
2. Rolling in the Deep-- Adele
3. Made Of Stone-- Envy on the Coast
4. Don't Speak Liar-- We the Kings

5. Die Alone-- Ingrid Michaelson
6. My second restraining order--I am the Avalanche

and I had a mini photo shoot here are the pic's:

*Side note* Have you seen the key to my Heart? If you do let me know...

By morning, you'll be gone...

I watched "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind" the other day.
I have seen it before and I remember loving it, so much so that I bought the DVD.

So the other day I was bored and in the mood to watch a movie, so I rooted around my DVD collection and picked out this movie.
And this time... It really struck me.
It is sooo amazing.

It's one of those movies that make you think. Here is a description:

(Joel is played by Jim Carrey and Clem is played by Kate Winslet)

A man, Joel Barish, heartbroken that his girlfriend Clementine underwent a procedure to erase him from her memory, he decides to do the same. However, as he watches his memories of her fade away, he realizes that he still loves her... but it may be too late to correct his mistake.

It makes me wonder...
If you fell out of love with someone, how far would you go to to start over?

Some of my favorite quotes:

Clementine: You know me, I'm impulsive.
Joel: That's what I love about you.

Joel: I can't see anything that I don't like about you.
Clementine: But you will! But you will. You know, you will think of things. And I'll get bored with you and feel trapped because that's what happens with me.
Joel: Okay.
Clementine: [pauses] Okay.

[Joel calls Clem on the telephone]
Clementine: What took you so long?
Joel: I just walked in.
Clementine: Do you miss me?
Joel: Oddly enough, I do!
Clementine: You said "I do" - I guess that means we're married!
Joel: I guess so!

This movie has made it to the list of my favorite movies.

*Side note* See This Movie!!

Home - Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros Acoustic Cover (Jorge & Alex...

This duo has stolen my heart!

I hope that If I ever have kids one day, their father will do this with them.

I guess I have to find him first....lol

*Side note* I love the part when she turns to her dad and says "One day I'm gonna whistle?"

So flippin Cute!

Shake it up...

I am sooo lucky.

This holiday season I have felt incredibly Lucky.

Lucky:

to have my family.

to have Amazing friends that are more like family to me.

to be alive.

to have people in my life that care about me.

I just want to say Thank You to all of you!

Banana

Nix

Marmar

Vic

Jesse

Lea

My family.

Everyone who enriches my life purely by being in it.

Thank You.

I am surrounded by warmth and love.

I am sooo grateful and humbled.

This year has been a very conflicting year for me.

I have had my ups and downs but the important things remain constant.

This has past Christmas been the most magical for me.

It remind me of when a feeling I would get as a kid.

I would preform in talent shows and on those nights, I would sing or dance.

At the end of my performance, a member of my family would come up to the stage bringing with them a bouquet of flowers for me.

I would go to sleep those nights with such a high.

I would wake up the next morning and feel like it was all a beautiful dream,

and then I would see the flowers.

Here is a music video/commercial I fell in love with that makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

As the new year approaches

I am faced with things I would like to sweep under the rug and forget about.

Friday I'm turning 24 years old, It's really weird to think that I will be 24.

It's sounds so grown up.

My birthday is generally kind of depressing for me.

I don't know why that is, but it's always been that way.

I don't really do a whole lot on my birthday even though it is a holiday.

I usually have dinner with my fam and then hang out around the house.

Hahaha, I sound so lame.

but really, I enjoy hanging out with my family.

Although this year it's going to be slightly different because I am going to dinner with the family on Saturday instead of Friday so I have no plans on my birthday...

which kinda sucks..

but I'll make the best of it.

Maybe I'll gather some friends and drag them out to the bar.

^_^

We shall see.

These are a few of my favorite things...

I think the post title says it all
So with no further ado and in no particular order
Here it goes:

Cupcakes
I don't know when exactly my love of cupcakes began, but I am currently obsessed with a bakery in Pleasentville called Flour and Sun bakery. Their Red Velvet cupcakes are out of this world!

Trinity Knots
When I was younger my family would rent a house for a week in the Hampton's, on one of our shopping trips, I was with my Grandma Gerry and I fell in love with a pair of earrings.
I begged my grandmother for them incessantly I remember her saying "Your never going to wear them" I replied "I'll wear them everyday" She eventually caved and bought them for me.
I wore those earrings for most of my childhood and I still have them. My collection of trinity knot has grown since then.

My Hairstylist
Mini, she is Awesome, the first time I ever went to her I was Extremely sick. I was running a ridiculous fever and I had set up the appointment in advance because my schedule at that time crazy and I wouldn't have time to do it another day. So I went despite feeling so craptastic. We had to stop several times because I felt like I was going to pass out. Despite all of that she did my hair amazingly well, she is the only person I trust with my hair.

Going to Concerts
I am going to sound like a total hippie but the energy that flows through the crowd at a show is like nothing I have ever experienced. You go through so many emotions : Elation, Sadness, Camaraderie and even Singularity.

Used book stores
I love the smell of all of the old books, digging through the miss matched stacks, finding a book that you read a long time ago, discovering your new favorite book. Being in a used bookstore brings me to a place of utter and complete calm. I love it.

Looking to my future.....

So tonight I went to a Psychic to get my palm read.
She started by tell me about my character she said
" You are a genuine and generous and you are very self less person and I see you in a career taking car of people."

Pretty good so far, right.
she continued
" I see that you are going to live a long life, your parents have very high expectations of you"

God does she live in my house!

"You are not a materialistic person and you will be content with a job that allows you to live comfortably."

Sounds about right

she then asked me to make a wish
and I did! (but I won't tell you ^_~)

" I see you thinking about 2 guys lately" I told her one of them
" one of the guys name starts with an A"
(I don't know who that is)
"I see a lot of guys looking at you (one works with cars) but you are guarded, you need to let your guard down."

she then said that she saw me taking classes soon

(I have been planning on going back to school, soon)

"I like the group of friends that you are keeping, they are honest and genuine people"
"This year you are going to figure out the direction that you are meant to go in, no more question marks"
" I see you getting married at 28 and no divorce or separation"

she ended it with

" I see you living a long and happy life"

Kinda Crazy... I think I will go back in a few months and get my tarot cards read ^_^

A busy girl takes a breath....

I have a feeling of peace surrounding me right now.

The baby show was today and I got my blanket finished in time.

I was really pleased with the end result, unfortunately I didn't get a picture of the finished blanket but I will eventually.

I am really excited for the baby.

Finally I will be apart of a new baby's life. I am happy.

I have a renewed sense of purpose and I think things will start working themselves out.

I'm starting to feel a thing that warms my heart and shoves out all the worries

I think its hope...

Thinking and thinking.....my brain doesn't stop....

I'm going to get deep here....

Career:
Lately I have been putting a lot of things into perspective. I have been slacking off with my career(EMS) I think I am afraid that I'm not good enough. I will be putting someones life in my hands, What if I make a mistake, a mistake that could potentially end someone Else's life, could I handle that responsibility?.... I guess it is normal to have these kinds of fears, at least i hope it is.

Love:
I am tired of being hurt, I know I wasn't meant to be someones doormat. It's like I have string attached to my heart, every time I begin to really like someone a new string gets attached, when they disappoint me the string gets tugged and depending on the hurt I get a sharp pain, a tear in the muscle , a rip or a chunk pulled out of my heart. My heart must look like road kill, part of that is my fault, I am too forgiving, too accepting of peoples flaws, too easy to hurt.

Life:
The people that surround me are either popping out children, in committed relationships, in college, or starting their career. And here I am a single 22 year old with too many dreams to fit into one lifetime, an artist that does nothing with her talent, I know who I am but I have a fear of not being accepted, for to many years I was told I was strange or weird, but I love those strange a weird quirks about myself, that makes me who I am.

Girl Meets Bunny!!!!

It's time for the big news!!!!!
I have opened my own Etsy shop!!
I will be selling wood plaques and platters and hopefully, one day, prints in my shop. I can not tell you how excited I am about this.
The Shop is called Girl Meets Bunny, all of the items are hand painted with my original artwork.

http://www.girlmeetsbunny.etsy.com/

Here are some of the things that are in my shop, I will be posting shop updates every now and then, feel free to comment and critique!
Here we go:

Sunrise Love

Meet me at our tree

Broken hearts can be fixed
Blue Love

Love...

Love represents a range of human emotions and experiences related to the senses of affection and sexual attraction. The word love can refer to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes. This diversity of meanings, combined with the complexity of the feelings involved, makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, even compared to other emotional states.

I was just sitting at my desk at work, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized that despite the turmoil that i have been going through for the last few months, i have all the love i need, I have my awesome friends and great job, and my kick ass Family.

I have never been happier then i have been in the few months, yeah i have been busy and a bit over whelmed at times but I'm still happy.

My hope is to one day find that one person (with the same morals as me)

and start a family of my own,

i know i am a little weird and eccentric but there's a person out there that

loves my: quirks, random-ness, library of useless knowledge,

sense of humor, taste in music, crafty-ness.

Someone who doesn't think I'm weird, just amazing the way i am.

They just get me.

I will be the first person to tell you not to change yourself to make someone else happy,

and I'm no hypocrite.

This is me, Take it or leave it.