I'm not their hero but that doesn't mean that I wasn't brave

Im in love love love with Tegan and Sara's new album, 

its fun, 

amazing lyrically 

and makes me want to dance.

Who could ask for more?

My favorite song for the album right now is... 

(Drum roll)

"I'm not your Hero"

The song just speaks to me. 

I feel like it relates all the things I went though last year.

I feel like I started the year like the begining of the song 

"Standing where I am now, standing up at all
I was used to feeling like I was never gonna see myself at the finish line
Hanging on to parts of me, hanging on at all
I was used to seeing no future in my sight line"

I've come so far from where I was last January, 

I was feeling sad and I was questioning a lot of the things and people around me.

 I was really struggling and somewhere in the following months I decided that I needed to change my way of thinking and start looking towards the positive side of life.

This is where the second part of the song comes into play

 

 "Feeling like I am now lighting up the hall
I was used to standing in the shadow of a damaged heart
Learning all I know now, losing all I did
I never used to feel like I'd be standing so far ahead"

I am so ridiculously happy.

I found someone that completely understands me and loves me no matter what.

I have been given the greatest gift.

*Side Note* I want pizza...

Twenty six

In My Mind

  By Amanda Palmer

In my mind
In a future five years from now
I'm one hundred and twenty pounds
And I never get hung over
Because I will be the picture of discipline
Never minding what state I'm in
And I will be someone I admire
And it's funny how I imagined
That I would be that person now
But it does not seem to have happened
Maybe I've just forgotten how to see
That I am not exactly the person that I thought I'd be

And in my mind
In the faraway here and now
I've become in control somehow
And I never lose my wallet
Because I will be the picture of of discipline
Never fucking up anything
And I'll be a good defensive driver
And it's funny how I imagined
That I would be that person now
But it does not seem to have happened
Maybe I've just forgotten how to see
That I'll never be the person that I thought I'd be

And in my mind
When I'm old I am beautiful
Planting tulips and vegetables
Which I will mindfully watch over
Not like me now
I'm so busy with everything
That I don't look at anything
But I'm sure I'll look when I am older
And it's funny how I imagined
That I could be that person now
But that's not what I want
But that's what I wanted
And I'd be giving up somehow
How strange to see
That I don't wanna be the person that I want to be

And in my mind
I imagine so many things
Things that aren't really happening
And when they put me in the ground
I'll start pounding the lid
Saying I haven't finished yet
I still have a tattoo to get
That says I'm living in the moment
And it's funny how I imagined
That I could win this, win this fight
But maybe it isn't all that funny
That I've been fighting all my life
But maybe I have to think it's funny
If I wanna live before I die
And maybe it's funniest of all
To think I'll die before I actually see
That I am exactly the person that I want to be

Fuck yes
I am exactly the person that I want to be

Everythings on fire...

So I started reading The Hunger Game Series, and now it is my current obsession,
I started the next book last night, eeep.
And sometime in March, China glaze
(My favorite nail polish)
is going to be releasing a Hunger games line,
I already have my eye's set on 3 of the colors.
^_^
Anyway...
A few days ago I was watching MTV and A video came on and I instantly fell in love with it.
It's a Taylor Swift and The Civil wars song,
but it sounds more like it would be an Eisley song.
So as it turns out it was actually a song for the Hunger Games Soundtrack.
I think the song has a romantic feel to it and its hauntingly beautiful and sweet.
So without any further ado....

Woken from the dream by my own name...

"We were both broken in our own ways
Sifting through the rubble for the wrong things"

So another Valentines Day has passed and here I am, single, but surprisingly happy.
I have gotten to a point where I know what I want and I wont settle for less,
If that means I have to stay single, I'm okay with that.
I have been listening to Death Cab for Cutie's "Underneath the Sycamore" on repeat for the last two days. It is amazing...
The lyrics above as well as the post title are from this very song.
This song just has a subtle message about overcoming things and
recognizing the fact that you may not be heading in the right direction
but you keep on going until you can find the right path
Maybe alone or with the help of someone else.
Truly moving...
Here is some Ear Candy:

*Side Note* Happy Valentines Day!!

I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too... So I stayed in the darkness with you...

It's always late at night when the thoughts that run through my head cave in on me leaving me restless, tired and over thinking...
My brain can be a dangerous place sometimes.
I'm wearing two different socks... for some strange reason this makes me happy.
It doesn't take a lot to make me happy...
I enjoy the simple things in life.
I went to the Bronx zoo with my friend Nix on Monday and barely anyone was there.
It was so nice, we had the zoo to ourselves and it wasn't too cold out.
It's lazy days like this that make me grateful for growing up
in one of the most amazing cities in the world,
I love the fact that on a whim I have access to so many things.
Anyway enough of my rambles..
Here is a video that I love... Enjoy.




*Side Note* I know you feel the same...

A quarter of a centery old....

25 years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination
I realized quickly when I knew I should
That the whole world's MADE UP OF this brotherhood of man
FOR whatever that means

And so I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out, what's in my head
And I, I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake in the morning and I step outside
And I take A deep breath and I get real high
And I scream from the top of my lungs,
What's goin' on

And I say hey.... hey....
I said hey, what's goin' on
And I say hey.... hey....
I said hey, what's goin' on

Ooh, Ooh, Oooohh, Oooohh, what's up...
Ooh, Ooh, Oooohh, Oooohh, what's up...

And I try, oh my God, do I try
I try all the time in this institution
And I pray, oh my God, do I pray
I pray every single day FOR A REVOLUTION!

And so I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out, what's in my head
And I, I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake in the morning and I step outside
And I take deep breath and I get real high
And I scream from the top of my lungs,
WHAT'S GOIN' ON!!

And I say hey.... hey....
I said hey, what's goin' on
And I say hey.... hey....
I said hey, what's goin' on
And I say hey.... hey....
I said hey, what's goin' on
And I say hey.... hey....
I said hey, what's goin' on

Ooh, Ooh, Oooohh, Oooohh, what's up...

25 years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination

So I can Die Happy....

Today I received the most amazing phone call ever...
A Mister Max Bemis called me!
Eeepp! I don't know how I made it through the call without passing out.
It was a short convo but it totally made my weekend, I was really awestruck.
I was floating around the house for a good hour.

Max was so nice he thanked me for buying a song from him and I told him how much I loved it. Sigh.... It was magical, at least for me. ^_^

Gah, so in other (less girly and gushy) news...

This weekend I was supposed to go away with my aunt, and things didn't quite go as expected which I was really bummed about, I had been looking forward to the trip since she told me about it.
Sometimes these things just don't work out though.
So instead I went to the movies with my sister and we saw "Bad Teacher"
It was really funny, We laughed a lot.
but the weekend isn't over quite yet so I'm sure I'll have more to report later.

Also I wanted to take a minuter and express my love for the new Panic! at the Disco album "Vices and Virtues" I have been listening to it non stop for the past week.
One of my Fave songs is "I wanna be Free"
I'ts seriously Amazing, my favorite Lyrics:

"I wanna be free
I wanna be loved
I wanna be more than you're thinking of
Everything seems to be estranged when you're alone"

so yeah that's all I have to talk about now, I'll keep you posted blog.
^_^

*Side Note* He called me, he called me, he called me, he called me.....

Just one more birthday....

Let me guide you through the story of a boy and his curse

Tiny diamond in his stroller with his first step chasing the hearse

Sippin' at a cup that's half way filled

But looking forward to the day he pays that drinking bill

There's no peace, there's no quiet on this earth

He confided, nestled tightly in that womb beneath the dirt

Hurt no more and when he turned 24

He wrote a note to nail to God's front door that said

I want death

Death for my birthday

I want death

Death in the worst way

I want death

Death for my birthday

Don't get me wrong cause..

I love life

But life has a boyfriend

Bless my soul

I'm out to destroy them

I want death

Death for my birthday

For my birthday

From the high paying job and the love of his life

He rode a roller coaster ride of lust on their wedding night

They made a baby in unmentionable ways

He was ungrateful as a man could be on that blessed day

And underneath he thought this is all a phase

Just a blip in the existence of a structure vast and great

Pray each night to his cross of a charm

For the one thing he couldn't afford just to buy the farm

I want death

Death for my birthday

I want death

Death in the worst way

I want death

Death for my birthday

Don't get me wrong cause..

I love life

But life has a boyfriend

Bless my soul

I'm out to destroy them

I want death

Death for my birthday

For my birthday

I'll never lose another friend again

Or watch them start a war that's fought for ideals that are dead

I'll never have an argument again

Because my dust

will be your salt

My blood will hydrate you off

My heart will be your meal

And I won't ride the cycle of the way it kills to think and feel

No more, no

I want death

Death for my birthday

I want death

Death in the worst way

I want death

Death for my birthday

Don't get me wrong cause..

I love life

But life has a boyfriend

Bless my soul

I'm out to destroy them

I want death

Death for my birthday

For my birthday

One sweet day his heart ceased to beat

He fell so fast beneath all our feet

Through bugs and snakes

Last words he had to say were

Help me claw my way to the surface

Oh sweet lord you know I deserve this

Just one more, just one more birthday

I always freeze when I'm thinking of words to say

A line from Eatmewhileimhot's the Point:
I don't wanna live with regret which is why my life is a mess

I feel like that encompasses how I feel right now, being in North Carolina was a total wake up call for me. I have so many things that I could bring to the world and I feel like I am fading away, but a big part of not doing anything is fear and I know it.
I know have written post like this and I am done waiting for my life to start, no one is going to start it for me, I am 23 years old and still wandering aimlessly, this doesn't seem right. So I'm going to try and work through my fear and put myself out there...

Also...

I realized I am terrible at telling stories, I pause far to much, forget part of the story and forget what part of the story I was up to. I think this is due to the way my brain works, sometimes I speak slow and I think too fast or I think fast and speak to fast whichleadsthewordstorunintoeachother.....
something like that...

But yeah here is list of some things that I feel are important life lessons:

1. Do not take Expired Medications
2. Do not travel 4 hours to see a guy unless you are
A: Dating, B: Married to or C: Going to kill... the said guy.
3. Do drink Firefly Vodka with Lemon aid
4. Do get your oil changed, car checked and make sure you check your coolant levels before a road trip.
5. If your not having fun at a bar make your own fun... or leave...
6. Always Pregame
7. If a guy does not have manners
(ie. hold doors open, offer to help you carry heavy bags, pays attention to you and talks to you with respect) then he doesn't deserve the time of day.
8. Try something new, at least once.
9. Don't go anywhere without some semblance of directions.
10. Always carry snacks on a road trip, you never know where there's going to be a gas station or rest stop.

Side note* I need to get my hair cut....

A Fox in the Garden Photomanipulation!

So I was fooling around in photoshop and came up with a photomanipulation for a lyric that has been running thru my head for like a week.

The lyric in question:

"Don't go to bed in the garden, I'll be throwing apples away, When on ones awake"

The lyric is from a band that is sadly no longer together called Paper Rival.

The song is called A Fox in the Garden

Amazing music!

So yeah this is what I came up with...

What if I'm not what you think....I am...?

I went to my cousin Andrews Show tonight, the gig was at The Trash Bar the band is called "Born without a spine".

It was good but if you ask my cousin he would tell you that and I quote

"The worst the bands ever played".

I beg to differ.

Well anyway... lots of things to tell you ...

I don't think I have discussed my deep love for Ingrid Michaelson.

I have been listening to her non-stop.

My dad has threatened my life about 3 times already...

But I will not be silenced!

The song I have been listening to most is "Giving up". It's so great.

It's basically telling a story of a girl that's is a pessimistic and is overflowing with

What ifs and doubts about everything that she does and the people that surround her.

But for the one she loves she is going to give up all the what ifs.

Here are the lyrics:

What if we stop having a ball?

What if the paint chips from the wall?

What if there's always cups in the sink?

What if I'm not what you think I am?

What if I fall further than you?

What if you dream of somebody new?

What if I never let you win, chase you with a rolling pin?

Well what if I do?

I am giving up on making passes

and I am giving up on half empty glasses

and I am giving up on greener grasses

I am giving up

What if our baby comes home after nine?

What it your eyes close before mine?

What if you lose yourself sometimes?

Then I'll be the one to find you Safe in my heart

I am giving up on making passes and

I am giving up on half empty glasses and

I am giving up on greener grasses

I am giving up.

Amazing right,

It just makes me realize I have to stop living my life through what ifs and just do it.

What ifs just hold you back from things that you know you want to do,

This song made me realize that society makes you ask yourself questions that don't necessarily have to be asked.

I'm going to stop what ifing my self!

*Side note* While writing this post I got a bloody nose...

But with nobody in your bed, The night is hard to get through...

It'a 2 in the AM and I'm still awake...

I've been listening to a lot of Brand New lately.

My current favorite song is "The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot"

There's just something so honest about the lyrics.

"If it makes you less sad, I'll move out of this state. You can keep you yourself. I'll keep out of your way. And if it makes you less sad I'll take your pictures all down. Every picture you paint I will paint myself out.."

A close second would be "Sic Transit Gloria.. Glory fades"

"He whispers that he loves her, but she's probably only ready for Sss... So much more than he could ever give A life free of lies and a meaningful relationship. He keeps his hands pinned down at his sides He waits for it to end and for the aching in his guts to subside "

Can you say amazing, that songs makes me think about all the times in our lives that we do things to make other people happy, we push away our own pain and discomfort to satisfy the needs of others.

But tell me this, Who's going to satisfy your needs, If your always giving of yourself

I Love Music....Lyrics

I started thinking about some songs I love and I wanted to share some of my favorite lines from those songs:

Sorrow drips into your heart through a pin hole,

just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound.

~Death Cab for Cutie

The road outside my house, Is paved with good intentions.

Hired a construction crew, 'Cause it's hell on the engine.

~Fall Out Boy

You did me wrong, I grinned and played along

Those days are gone, does this confession turn you on?

~Say Anything

When you go, Don't ever think, I'll make you try to stay

And maybe when you get back, I'll be off to find another way.

~My Chemical Romance

Say you want to let me go and that's gonna have to end

You can Go and getta new boyfriend But you'll never getta better boyfriend
Love just aint our way but, You know I don't pretend Imma go and getta new girlfriend

Imma get myself a better girlfriend

~Tyga

How I wish, how I wish you were here.

We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year

~Pink Floyd

I'd walk through hell for you.
Let it burn right through my shoes,
These soles are useless without you.
Through hell for you let the torturing ensue,
My soul is useless without you.

~Say Anything

Your heart is a river that flows from your chest through every organ,

your brain is the dam and I am the fish that cant reach the cord.

~Death Cab for Cutie

So one last touch and then you'll go

and we'll pretend that it ment something so much more.

But it was vile, and it was cheap

and you are beautiful but you dont mean a thing to me.

~Death Cab for Cutie

I know that you want me to want you I want to

But I can't forgive you

So when this is over don't blow your composure baby

I can't forget you

~Mayday Parade

Thats just the few song lyrics i could remember, I think all of them are strong in their own way. If you couldnt tell...I love Death Cab for Cutie.^_^