How could this been done by such a smiling sweetheart.

I'm awake and I can't sleep... 

I keep thinking about things that I am putting off... 

I hate it when I get in my head like this, 

It's like a ball of worry and stress climbs into my chest and refused to move. 

The crazy part is that its things that shouldn't stress me out, for instance the fact that I have 2 half written books sitting on my hard drive.

I'm thinking of adopting a "Don't break the chain policy". 

Basically it's forcing yourself to work on something every single day for a allotted period of time. 

One of my biggest flaws happens to be my follow through, it sucks and I'm completely aware of it, yet I do nothing to counter it.

That aside another thing has been chewing at my mind, maybe that a wrong choice of words, not so much chewing but every once in a while it circles back to the forefront.

and the story goes like this...

About a year ago I met a guy... 

Obnoxious, smart, self-righteous, witty, condescending but strangely charming.

He bugged me but I enjoyed his company and we became friends but as these things go I ended up liking him as more then a friend. 

I got the impression that maybe he felt in a similar fashion. 

After a few drinks one night 

(Note: Friends please take my phone away from me when we go drinking, Thanks)

I texted him, This led to an admission of my feelings, to which he replied with a 

"No sweat, just another emotionally unavailable man, a classic trap.

I was taken aback. 

A person that I had come to consider a friend showed such a flagrant disregard for my feelings. I mean "No sweat", that is something you tell your friend after they say thanks for cooking them dinner or lending them a book. 

Well, my my, don't you just hold yourself in high regards.

That was the wake up call that I needed.

I knew at that point that this person was not only not my friend but someone that was severely emotionally stunted. Honestly, he could have handled things in a way that retained our friendship.

Here are some examples:

"I'm sorry, I don't see you in that way but I really like you as a person and I would like to remain friends with you."

"I don't feel that way about you, sorry"

"Look, we're good friends and I don't want to ruin our friendship"

Had he said, any variation of these phrases, I would have been more then happy to keep the friendship.

I would have accepted the fact that he wasn't into me and the issue would be buried.

Instead, his response inspired a feeling of hurt as well as the discontinuation of our friendship.

I never answered his text and a few weeks later I received a message from him stating this..

"I understand you're doing what you have to do, but I'll be here when you're ready."

Wow, really. 

What exactly is it that you are understanding?

Is it that my intense and overwhelming feelings for you is something that I must overcome in order to retain our friendship. 

Is that a joke?

Do you really think that I sitting at home in ruin because you dejected me?

Wrong, my world existed before you and will remain to do so after you.

If anything, this last message was just plain disrespectful, Did you even know me at all?

You made it clear you had no respect for my feelings so to give you a timeline on when I'll be "ready".

The answer is never, I don't hate myself enough for that. 

lol 

"Doing what you have to do." 

You're lucky I pulled myself out of the pile of soiled sheets and tear crusted tissues 

long enough to write this post. 

Get over yourself, that is, if you can stop looking in the mirror for a few minutes.

Now that has been said I can truly move past it. 

So I have been obsessed with a few songs and I thought I would share them here

My April/ May playlist...

1. The story ----Brandi Carlile

2. Give your heart a break---- Demi Lovato

3. Naive----The Kooks

4. So Good---- Say Anything

5. Heartbeat---- Childish Gambino

6.Everybody talk----Neon Trees

*Side Note* Check them out when you get a chance awesome songs.

collapse right on the back of tumbling waves...

I feel like I have cotton in my head instead of a brain.
I am aware that I tend to over think things but lately I feel like I am just completely thick. I am struggling to come to terms with my life and decide which way I want to turn.
I hate the way I've let someone get under my skin and open up parts of myself that I had kept closed in order to keep myself safe.
I am walking in a emotional hallway made of broken glass one wrong turn and its over for me. I have been here before and just managed to make it out.
It took me 3 years to fully recover from my previous injuries,
Do I really want to open myself up to get hurt again?
I scared it might already be too late.

I've been having really vivid dreams lately...
I have been want to write them down before I forget them.

Dream 1
I am in a boarding school, my mother works as a teacher there.
I am heading to one of my classes and I meet a brother and sister.
We become friends and we discover that we are heading to the same class so we decide that we will walk together. so were walking, and I usually took the long way to the class but they said they knew a shortcut and it cost a dollar.
We took the shortcut and it took us to an elevator, we got in and the doors began to close
a hand stopped the door from closing and it opened again revealing 3 people two guys and a girl.
They piled into the elevator and my new friends said it was too crowded and exited the elevator leaving me and the 3 people.
One of the guys caught my attention and I kept peeking up to look at him only to find him looking back at me. The doors closed and the elevator began to move, I couldn't tell in which direction.
The elevator came to a stop and the doors opened to a beach. I looked out the doors and said "Shit" as I dropped my things and ran down the beach shedding shoes and socks as I went.
A yacht was on fire and sinking in the ocean, when I looked back the 3 people were doing the same rushing to help the people on the sinking ship. I jumped in and started dragging people to shore and then I looked on the boat and there was Paris Hilton. I swam out again to rescue her and dragged her to shore. I collapsed on the beach my chest heaving and I looked at the guy again and he was all wet and breathing the same way, watching me.

Dream 2
I was a mermaid...
I was swimming in the ocean free and carelessly, I swam to a cove where other mermaids were hanging out, I sat on a rock that was just barely covered with water and watched the other mermaid and mermen chat and swim as I flicked my tail back and forth.
Out of the ocean a merman that I knew swam up to me and reached his hand out to me.
It was an invitation.
I grasped his hand and he pulled me into a hug.
Still in the hug we dove underwater and he swam taking me with him, he held onto me tight and I felt like I was safe and home.

Is it weird that my dreams lately are having a running ocean theme? Last night I had another dream but I don't remember it as well, but I do know that I was on a pirate ship in the ocean and there was a Chinese man on the boat with me...
That's all I remember...
I know random...

*Side note* I really hope that I can make it out of the glass hallway unscathed...

We are just breakable, breakable, breakable girls...

I'm really upset right now, I'm just thinking about my knee and googling everything I can possibly find on ACL injury's. I know I am being obsessive, but I just want to get better.

I'm worried that my knee will never be the same.

All the things I read online are putting into my head that my ACL is torn and If its torn bad enough I could need surgery. I am so over this shit.

I don't want to have surgery nor can I afford it. I am in this horrible place mentally. All I do is think about my knee.

I went to the emergency room in South Dakota, and this is probably the New Yorker in me, but I feel like the doctor kind of dismissed me to quickly.

So I feel like he didn't carefully look over the xrays.

He said it was just a bad sprain.

He wanted me to walk on it right away and I was in such pain that I really wasn't capable.

He gave me a ace bandage and a boot out of the hospital.

Granted my knee does feel a lot better then when I was in SD,

but what if it's healing wrong or It really is torn.

I still can't fully extend my leg and that worries the shit out of me.

But I have no Insurance , so how am I supposed to know how it's progressing.

If you know me then you know my mind runs a thousand miles a minute.

So imagine how I'm feeling right now..

So I am in Crazy lady panic mode... but you wouldn't know it by looking at me.

*Side note* What if I never walk normally again.....

I ask myself...

When do u stop caring, when do u care to much....this is what i have been pondering this weekend. I had a nice dinner with my mom, dad, and grandma on Saturday, and we struck up an interesting conversation about recent events going on and it made me think. When do u take that step back and realize your being used, I took my step a long time ago because i saw with clear eyes, i feel bad for my grandma and my mom who were jaded. To want someone there only when its convenient for you is wrong. If u want someone in your life it should be for good and for bad. I guess that how some people are though....you don't realize that your hurting others who have been there for u...when have u ever been there for them...

Also this weekend i was off being super crafty. I made a camera case based off of a picture i saw online, ill post a pic. It came out way better then i expected it to. It's made from Aqua and brown felt that i felted together, and some buttons and fabric! I shocked myself ( I feel so awesome)
I also went to the movies with my friend Jesse, we saw Speed Racer, the movie wasn't great but the racing scenes were kinda cool.... i wish i could drive like that.....Sigh...


Question: When do u stop caring?