You're in my body... That's where I think about you

Over a month ago I met a boy...

He makes me feel cherished, special, treasured and adored.

I feel like anything is possible with him. I'm not worried about feeling strange or awkward in front of him, in fact, I feel like he embraces my weirdness.

That's a first for me...

The wall that I built around myself apparently had a secret door that he found and slipped right into. I've never felt this way before.

He's sooo amazing... strong but kind and gentle, he makes me laugh and smile, he's genuine, smart, charming, handsome and I trust him.

That's insane considering I've known him for such a short time but I don't even care. It feels so right. He's everything I could have hoped for and more.

I'm so lucky to have him in my life, it amazes me how much he gets and understands me... I'm so ridiculously happy to be with him.

How could this been done by such a smiling sweetheart.

I'm awake and I can't sleep... 

I keep thinking about things that I am putting off... 

I hate it when I get in my head like this, 

It's like a ball of worry and stress climbs into my chest and refused to move. 

The crazy part is that its things that shouldn't stress me out, for instance the fact that I have 2 half written books sitting on my hard drive.

I'm thinking of adopting a "Don't break the chain policy". 

Basically it's forcing yourself to work on something every single day for a allotted period of time. 

One of my biggest flaws happens to be my follow through, it sucks and I'm completely aware of it, yet I do nothing to counter it.

That aside another thing has been chewing at my mind, maybe that a wrong choice of words, not so much chewing but every once in a while it circles back to the forefront.

and the story goes like this...

About a year ago I met a guy... 

Obnoxious, smart, self-righteous, witty, condescending but strangely charming.

He bugged me but I enjoyed his company and we became friends but as these things go I ended up liking him as more then a friend. 

I got the impression that maybe he felt in a similar fashion. 

After a few drinks one night 

(Note: Friends please take my phone away from me when we go drinking, Thanks)

I texted him, This led to an admission of my feelings, to which he replied with a 

"No sweat, just another emotionally unavailable man, a classic trap.

I was taken aback. 

A person that I had come to consider a friend showed such a flagrant disregard for my feelings. I mean "No sweat", that is something you tell your friend after they say thanks for cooking them dinner or lending them a book. 

Well, my my, don't you just hold yourself in high regards.

That was the wake up call that I needed.

I knew at that point that this person was not only not my friend but someone that was severely emotionally stunted. Honestly, he could have handled things in a way that retained our friendship.

Here are some examples:

"I'm sorry, I don't see you in that way but I really like you as a person and I would like to remain friends with you."

"I don't feel that way about you, sorry"

"Look, we're good friends and I don't want to ruin our friendship"

Had he said, any variation of these phrases, I would have been more then happy to keep the friendship.

I would have accepted the fact that he wasn't into me and the issue would be buried.

Instead, his response inspired a feeling of hurt as well as the discontinuation of our friendship.

I never answered his text and a few weeks later I received a message from him stating this..

"I understand you're doing what you have to do, but I'll be here when you're ready."

Wow, really. 

What exactly is it that you are understanding?

Is it that my intense and overwhelming feelings for you is something that I must overcome in order to retain our friendship. 

Is that a joke?

Do you really think that I sitting at home in ruin because you dejected me?

Wrong, my world existed before you and will remain to do so after you.

If anything, this last message was just plain disrespectful, Did you even know me at all?

You made it clear you had no respect for my feelings so to give you a timeline on when I'll be "ready".

The answer is never, I don't hate myself enough for that. 

lol 

"Doing what you have to do." 

You're lucky I pulled myself out of the pile of soiled sheets and tear crusted tissues 

long enough to write this post. 

Get over yourself, that is, if you can stop looking in the mirror for a few minutes.

Now that has been said I can truly move past it. 

So I have been obsessed with a few songs and I thought I would share them here

My April/ May playlist...

1. The story ----Brandi Carlile

2. Give your heart a break---- Demi Lovato

3. Naive----The Kooks

4. So Good---- Say Anything

5. Heartbeat---- Childish Gambino

6.Everybody talk----Neon Trees

*Side Note* Check them out when you get a chance awesome songs.

Broken in our own ways....

I've been at odds with myself recently about some of the people that I consider my friends...
I realized that I always seemed to be pushing the friendship along,
I would call them and I would go visit them, etc.
But they never sought me out.
So I stopped.

And I haven't heard from them...
So what does that say?
Does that mean that they don't care?
Have we perhaps grown apart?
Because that's how it feels.

It hurts when I see status updates or tweets about places that are
literally down the block from me and I never get a call saying
"hey, I'm close to your house are you home? Let's hang."

I get that you have your own lives, and I don't expect a call everyday or even every week
but I don't know when something good happens to me or something gets me upset,
I want to call the people close to me and tell them all about it because I know they care.
For a while there it felt like I had no one to turn to..

Part of me can't even blame them, I'm not the best at calling people either, but that doesn't mean that I'm not watching and listening.

Its a sad day when I have to go to your blog and find out whats going on with your life.
or
when I ask you to lunch and you bring other people that I don't know and have no common ground with.

When did we stop telling each other, everything?
I was debating on writing this post,
but you know what,
this is my place to write down everything I'm feeling.
I'm not going to censor myself because you may or may not read this.
Fuck that.

This is not meant as a personal attack either... this is me saying
"I'm hurt and no one noticed"

I have always been there when anyone needed me,
you only had to utter the words.

Friend: A person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

That definition of Friend pales in comparison to mine.

Friend: A person that loves you for no other reason then just being you, You can call them at 2am and they will listen to whatever you have to say. They don't judge you from doing dumb things or for being strange instead they blind you with unfiltered acceptance. You can trust them with all your secrets and they care about you when you don't even care about yourself.

*Side Note* I still love you... Despite this.

Be running up that road, Be running up that hill, Be running up that building.

It’s hard, trying to figure out what you want to do with the rest of your life.

I want to go back to school and get a degree in art therapy, I feel like it’s a really good fit for me. I am good at listening and I feel that art is a fantastic way to express yourself.

At the same time, there is so much more that I want to do… I think my problem (and I’m not trying to sound conceited in any way) is that I am really good at a lot of things and I want to do everything. Is that even feasible?

I draw, I paint, I bake, I craft, and I write.

I would like to become a writer and a book illustrator and the next week I want to open a coffee shop/ bakery. Ask me what I want to do a week later and I guarantee it will be something else. I like learning skills and gaining knowledge, I have a passion for that.

You have no idea how many half written stories I have on my computer and my drawings are slowly taking over my room. Don’t get me started on the books… Stacks of them everywhere, books on psychology, writing, crocheting, fiction, biographies, sewing, starting businesses, and knitting. Look in a corner of my room and you’ll see a book.

I’m in a very introspective mood right now. I don’t really know where I am going with this post anymore. Next month is NaNoWrMo (National Novel Writing Month) and every year I take part in it and every year I get discouraged at some point and give up but I get a little farther each time.

Last year’s book was about zombies (I’m kind of sad I didn’t finish it, every once in a while I open it up and write a little more in it) and this year I plan on writing about a song. I have started creating an outline for it and I am hoping that if I prepare ahead of time this year I will be able to finish it in the allotted time.

*Side note* How much are you loving Fall right now!

Somethings missing in me, I felt it deep within me as lovers left me to bleed...alone....

The title of this post is from my most recent fave song,

the song is called "Missing" by Flyleaf.

The song is AmAzing!

I found this on Flyleaf's page, this is what they had to say about this song:

"Missing" is another song that shows how important love and life are. The hook is massive, but there's more to it. Lacey continues, "The bridge says "Down here love wasn't meant to be for me, all is vanity underneath the sun." The phrase makes you ask 'What would the world be like if we took love out of it?' Love is painful. It requires work. It's selfless. Even though it's difficult, if you take that out of the earth you're going to end up with nothing. C.S. Lewis said, 'The only place in all of the world where you can escape the dangers of love is hell.'"

So inspiring, they are actually a Christian rock band and a lot of their songs are about God.

People that know me know that I am not a very religious person, that's not to say I don't have my beliefs, but for some reason Flyleaf's music just speaks to me, even the religious ones.

"All around me" was one of my fave songs for a while, every time I listened to it something felt like it was knocking down walls inside of me trying to get out,

I feel happy and jovial after I hear it. I know it sounds weird but whatever.

I can go on and on about them, but you should really check them out for yourself.

*Side Note* I seemed to have forgotten that there is such a thing called Youtube, so here is the Video for Missing

Come take my pulse, the pace is on a runaway train...

Is life easier then I'm making it seem...

The last few days my head has been in a cloud.

I feel like I'm struggling for air.. and I can't figure out why.

I would hate to think I am living a meaningless life, but isn't the goal of life to be happy...

The problem is my head is living beyond my means, I want to do everything, is that even possible, when I look back on my life I want to think "Wow that was a great ride"

at this point in my life I don't think that will happen for me. Maybe it's too late or who knows maybe it isn't..

Ugh am I making any sense whatsoever... I'm so stuck in my brain.

I can feel it in my bones that there's something more to my life,

I just have to figure out what...

Anyway..

Let me give u a super mini life update:

Music i'm listening to: Metric (Great band)

Fave food at the moment: Indian

Something I'm neglecting: Photography

Movies I've been watching like an addict: District B-13 1 & 2

Crafty thing: Crocheting a small rug.

Craving: Brownies

Wearing: Alot of black (as per usual)

Website Obsession: Twitter

Frustration: My Car, which better not have anything wrong with it.

Missing: Emma Rose

Worrying: About the my direction of my life.

What I Wants: 1960's movie called "My Six Love's" starring Debbie Reynolds

Ok I think that's it for now, Talk to y'all later!

*Side note* Still haven't gotten my hair cut..

That's a Strange place for a Piano....

So lately I have been posting a lot more then usual.

I think that's cause I have a lot of things all jumbled in my mind right now.

Things are bugging me and I'm having a hard time sleeping at night.

I think my Insomnia is back.

It has to do with a thyroid condition I recently found out I have, but unfortunately I can't do much about it because I no longer have any health insurance. I feel myself getting a lot more personal on here then I normally get.

But whatever I need to get it out.

I think what it comes down to is that I feel like shit..

I haven't picked up my Diabolo in weeks, i haven't even juggled. They usually make me feel better when I feel like but it's like I can't bring myself to pick them up.

And the dreams....

They have been really vivid lately. It's like I cant sleep alot but when I do I remember so much, colors, places, people, the things that happen and what we say.

It's kind of insane...