collapse right on the back of tumbling waves...

I feel like I have cotton in my head instead of a brain.
I am aware that I tend to over think things but lately I feel like I am just completely thick. I am struggling to come to terms with my life and decide which way I want to turn.
I hate the way I've let someone get under my skin and open up parts of myself that I had kept closed in order to keep myself safe.
I am walking in a emotional hallway made of broken glass one wrong turn and its over for me. I have been here before and just managed to make it out.
It took me 3 years to fully recover from my previous injuries,
Do I really want to open myself up to get hurt again?
I scared it might already be too late.

I've been having really vivid dreams lately...
I have been want to write them down before I forget them.

Dream 1
I am in a boarding school, my mother works as a teacher there.
I am heading to one of my classes and I meet a brother and sister.
We become friends and we discover that we are heading to the same class so we decide that we will walk together. so were walking, and I usually took the long way to the class but they said they knew a shortcut and it cost a dollar.
We took the shortcut and it took us to an elevator, we got in and the doors began to close
a hand stopped the door from closing and it opened again revealing 3 people two guys and a girl.
They piled into the elevator and my new friends said it was too crowded and exited the elevator leaving me and the 3 people.
One of the guys caught my attention and I kept peeking up to look at him only to find him looking back at me. The doors closed and the elevator began to move, I couldn't tell in which direction.
The elevator came to a stop and the doors opened to a beach. I looked out the doors and said "Shit" as I dropped my things and ran down the beach shedding shoes and socks as I went.
A yacht was on fire and sinking in the ocean, when I looked back the 3 people were doing the same rushing to help the people on the sinking ship. I jumped in and started dragging people to shore and then I looked on the boat and there was Paris Hilton. I swam out again to rescue her and dragged her to shore. I collapsed on the beach my chest heaving and I looked at the guy again and he was all wet and breathing the same way, watching me.

Dream 2
I was a mermaid...
I was swimming in the ocean free and carelessly, I swam to a cove where other mermaids were hanging out, I sat on a rock that was just barely covered with water and watched the other mermaid and mermen chat and swim as I flicked my tail back and forth.
Out of the ocean a merman that I knew swam up to me and reached his hand out to me.
It was an invitation.
I grasped his hand and he pulled me into a hug.
Still in the hug we dove underwater and he swam taking me with him, he held onto me tight and I felt like I was safe and home.

Is it weird that my dreams lately are having a running ocean theme? Last night I had another dream but I don't remember it as well, but I do know that I was on a pirate ship in the ocean and there was a Chinese man on the boat with me...
That's all I remember...
I know random...

*Side note* I really hope that I can make it out of the glass hallway unscathed...

Be running up that road, Be running up that hill, Be running up that building.

It’s hard, trying to figure out what you want to do with the rest of your life.

I want to go back to school and get a degree in art therapy, I feel like it’s a really good fit for me. I am good at listening and I feel that art is a fantastic way to express yourself.

At the same time, there is so much more that I want to do… I think my problem (and I’m not trying to sound conceited in any way) is that I am really good at a lot of things and I want to do everything. Is that even feasible?

I draw, I paint, I bake, I craft, and I write.

I would like to become a writer and a book illustrator and the next week I want to open a coffee shop/ bakery. Ask me what I want to do a week later and I guarantee it will be something else. I like learning skills and gaining knowledge, I have a passion for that.

You have no idea how many half written stories I have on my computer and my drawings are slowly taking over my room. Don’t get me started on the books… Stacks of them everywhere, books on psychology, writing, crocheting, fiction, biographies, sewing, starting businesses, and knitting. Look in a corner of my room and you’ll see a book.

I’m in a very introspective mood right now. I don’t really know where I am going with this post anymore. Next month is NaNoWrMo (National Novel Writing Month) and every year I take part in it and every year I get discouraged at some point and give up but I get a little farther each time.

Last year’s book was about zombies (I’m kind of sad I didn’t finish it, every once in a while I open it up and write a little more in it) and this year I plan on writing about a song. I have started creating an outline for it and I am hoping that if I prepare ahead of time this year I will be able to finish it in the allotted time.

*Side note* How much are you loving Fall right now!

I want to share my love with you.....

A note on the circus:

I want to be apart of the making of magic,
I want to be around the weavers of fantasy, the spinners of dreams and the creators of the illusion. I want to breathe in the air that has tiny invisible sparkles of light that cause you to see everything with a childlike sense of wonder.

I want to feed off the happiness of the crowd and let it engulf me in a storm of silver glitter and golden light, stealing me away to a place that knows no sadness only joy and a lightness of the soul that never lets me touch the ground.

I crave the nomadic lifestyle, nothing static, my world in a constant state of flux.
New faces attached to a different town that looks like a place I once knew in another life.

I want the smell of cotton candy and fresh popcorn to fill my nostrils every morning upon my waking and I want the sound of children's laughter to drown out the doubts that haunt me at night. I want the vibrations of the crowd's cheers to crawl inside my skin and cause it to hum and glow with light.
But what I want more then anything is to become the illusion,
not just the maker or the designer,
when you look at me I want you to have to shield your eyes
because the light that I am emitting is too much for your eyes to handle.
I want to soar up high in a cloud of shear white silk and rhinestones, not unlike a comet making a trail in the night sky, your eyes glued to the magic unfolding before you.

This is the place that I visit in the small corner of my mind.
So if you see a girl with brown hair and brown eyes that are staring off into space and you wonder where her mind has taken her.
That girl is me and that girl is also circus performer dancing among the stars.

That's a Strange place for a Piano....

So lately I have been posting a lot more then usual.

I think that's cause I have a lot of things all jumbled in my mind right now.

Things are bugging me and I'm having a hard time sleeping at night.

I think my Insomnia is back.

It has to do with a thyroid condition I recently found out I have, but unfortunately I can't do much about it because I no longer have any health insurance. I feel myself getting a lot more personal on here then I normally get.

But whatever I need to get it out.

I think what it comes down to is that I feel like shit..

I haven't picked up my Diabolo in weeks, i haven't even juggled. They usually make me feel better when I feel like but it's like I can't bring myself to pick them up.

And the dreams....

They have been really vivid lately. It's like I cant sleep alot but when I do I remember so much, colors, places, people, the things that happen and what we say.

It's kind of insane...