How could this been done by such a smiling sweetheart.

I'm awake and I can't sleep... 

I keep thinking about things that I am putting off... 

I hate it when I get in my head like this, 

It's like a ball of worry and stress climbs into my chest and refused to move. 

The crazy part is that its things that shouldn't stress me out, for instance the fact that I have 2 half written books sitting on my hard drive.

I'm thinking of adopting a "Don't break the chain policy". 

Basically it's forcing yourself to work on something every single day for a allotted period of time. 

One of my biggest flaws happens to be my follow through, it sucks and I'm completely aware of it, yet I do nothing to counter it.

That aside another thing has been chewing at my mind, maybe that a wrong choice of words, not so much chewing but every once in a while it circles back to the forefront.

and the story goes like this...

About a year ago I met a guy... 

Obnoxious, smart, self-righteous, witty, condescending but strangely charming.

He bugged me but I enjoyed his company and we became friends but as these things go I ended up liking him as more then a friend. 

I got the impression that maybe he felt in a similar fashion. 

After a few drinks one night 

(Note: Friends please take my phone away from me when we go drinking, Thanks)

I texted him, This led to an admission of my feelings, to which he replied with a 

"No sweat, just another emotionally unavailable man, a classic trap.

I was taken aback. 

A person that I had come to consider a friend showed such a flagrant disregard for my feelings. I mean "No sweat", that is something you tell your friend after they say thanks for cooking them dinner or lending them a book. 

Well, my my, don't you just hold yourself in high regards.

That was the wake up call that I needed.

I knew at that point that this person was not only not my friend but someone that was severely emotionally stunted. Honestly, he could have handled things in a way that retained our friendship.

Here are some examples:

"I'm sorry, I don't see you in that way but I really like you as a person and I would like to remain friends with you."

"I don't feel that way about you, sorry"

"Look, we're good friends and I don't want to ruin our friendship"

Had he said, any variation of these phrases, I would have been more then happy to keep the friendship.

I would have accepted the fact that he wasn't into me and the issue would be buried.

Instead, his response inspired a feeling of hurt as well as the discontinuation of our friendship.

I never answered his text and a few weeks later I received a message from him stating this..

"I understand you're doing what you have to do, but I'll be here when you're ready."

Wow, really. 

What exactly is it that you are understanding?

Is it that my intense and overwhelming feelings for you is something that I must overcome in order to retain our friendship. 

Is that a joke?

Do you really think that I sitting at home in ruin because you dejected me?

Wrong, my world existed before you and will remain to do so after you.

If anything, this last message was just plain disrespectful, Did you even know me at all?

You made it clear you had no respect for my feelings so to give you a timeline on when I'll be "ready".

The answer is never, I don't hate myself enough for that. 

lol 

"Doing what you have to do." 

You're lucky I pulled myself out of the pile of soiled sheets and tear crusted tissues 

long enough to write this post. 

Get over yourself, that is, if you can stop looking in the mirror for a few minutes.

Now that has been said I can truly move past it. 

So I have been obsessed with a few songs and I thought I would share them here

My April/ May playlist...

1. The story ----Brandi Carlile

2. Give your heart a break---- Demi Lovato

3. Naive----The Kooks

4. So Good---- Say Anything

5. Heartbeat---- Childish Gambino

6.Everybody talk----Neon Trees

*Side Note* Check them out when you get a chance awesome songs.

Psychic Reading

She started off by telling me
"Your stubborn and when you want to get things done you do.
Your a very productive person, you are always doing some thing. You like to keep busy but I see that you have been stuck in a place that is not good for you involving your career..."

The she asked me where I was working and I told her.
"I see new things happening for you in your career something different from what you are doing now, before the end of this year a job in the arts."

"right now this is the time for your career and friends, I see new friends coming into your life but keep your old friends they are genuine people"

"As far as love I see two people in your past that really hurt you, One still thinks about you because you were the only person that made an effort to be with him and the other person you were genuine with and he didn't know how to be with you, He was the kind of person that doesn't know how to be in a relationship, I also see an issue with substance abuse, I see that he isn't in the right state of mind and I don't see the relationship turning into anything. "

"There are a lot of men around you right now but you have not meet the "One".
You will be married in two years and before the end of the year you will meet the "One" he will have dark hair and dark eyes"

"I see you moving" then she asked me what my living situation was like.
"I see you living with friends but the your moving before the end of this year"

So that was my reading, apparently a lot of things are going to be happening for me by the end of this year. My issue with getting psychic readings is does knowing create a self fulfilling prophecy?

Although I will say she was spot on about how I was feeling about my work situation.
The thing is she's really consistent with her readings like last time I was there almost a year ago she said I was going to be married in 3 years and now its 2 years.
Well lets see what happens? ^_^

A stabbing pain that says I lack

I don't usually talk about my relationships (Past or Present) on my blog

but it's something I have been thinking about a lot lately

So to put my mind at ease here I go.

I was recently dating someone.

This is the first real dating I had done since my last relationship.

I thought the dates went well but I guess I was mistaken.

(I really liked him)

It just got me thinking...

and thinking for me is very bad...

I tend to dwell on things to the point where I over analyze...

but anyway the conclusion I have come to is...

I am unlucky in love.

At this point I feel like there has to be something wrong with me...

I am aware that I'm not perfect

I am stubborn, slightly pessimistic and can be moody

But I am also a good person.

I am easy going, fairly smart, creative, funny, honest and generous.

So I don't quite understand why I'm single.

Maybe I don't put myself out there enough or maybe It's just not in the cards for me.

I started looking back at past relationships to see what went wrong.

and here are reasons some of the relationships didn't work

1. I was trying to be something that I wasn't.

2. He couldn't accept me the way I was.

3. I wasn't ready for a relationship and I regret that.

(The only guy who ever treated me right)

4. He was to attached to me and that scared me

5. He used me and I let him.

6. They led me on

Most of my relationships ended badly and we couldn't remain friends,

I found that some of them resented me after the relationship.

I would even go as far as to say they hate me.

I could never really understand why,

I mean If I broke up with them I was just be honest with myself and the way I felt.

Whats the point of leading them on.

It would only hurt them and me more later.

It's just really disappointing, I always end up getting hurt.

Right when I start to let a guy past my defences, they just let me down.

It never fails, and now I expect it.

I don't want to be the girl that has been burned so many times, she cant let anyone in.

I fear that I am becoming just that.

I am very independent and I have a hard time asking for help.

I do not need a man

but it would be nice to have someone to share those little moments in life with.

Guys say they want the nice girl but I'm learning different.

*Side note* If you don't like me just tell me, I won't be upset, I promise.

Just don't have me believing that you do.

Not to mention its a waste of my time.