I'm not their hero but that doesn't mean that I wasn't brave

Im in love love love with Tegan and Sara's new album, 

its fun, 

amazing lyrically 

and makes me want to dance.

Who could ask for more?

My favorite song for the album right now is... 

(Drum roll)

"I'm not your Hero"

The song just speaks to me. 

I feel like it relates all the things I went though last year.

I feel like I started the year like the begining of the song 

"Standing where I am now, standing up at all
I was used to feeling like I was never gonna see myself at the finish line
Hanging on to parts of me, hanging on at all
I was used to seeing no future in my sight line"

I've come so far from where I was last January, 

I was feeling sad and I was questioning a lot of the things and people around me.

 I was really struggling and somewhere in the following months I decided that I needed to change my way of thinking and start looking towards the positive side of life.

This is where the second part of the song comes into play

 

 "Feeling like I am now lighting up the hall
I was used to standing in the shadow of a damaged heart
Learning all I know now, losing all I did
I never used to feel like I'd be standing so far ahead"

I am so ridiculously happy.

I found someone that completely understands me and loves me no matter what.

I have been given the greatest gift.

*Side Note* I want pizza...

Twenty six

In My Mind

  By Amanda Palmer

In my mind
In a future five years from now
I'm one hundred and twenty pounds
And I never get hung over
Because I will be the picture of discipline
Never minding what state I'm in
And I will be someone I admire
And it's funny how I imagined
That I would be that person now
But it does not seem to have happened
Maybe I've just forgotten how to see
That I am not exactly the person that I thought I'd be

And in my mind
In the faraway here and now
I've become in control somehow
And I never lose my wallet
Because I will be the picture of of discipline
Never fucking up anything
And I'll be a good defensive driver
And it's funny how I imagined
That I would be that person now
But it does not seem to have happened
Maybe I've just forgotten how to see
That I'll never be the person that I thought I'd be

And in my mind
When I'm old I am beautiful
Planting tulips and vegetables
Which I will mindfully watch over
Not like me now
I'm so busy with everything
That I don't look at anything
But I'm sure I'll look when I am older
And it's funny how I imagined
That I could be that person now
But that's not what I want
But that's what I wanted
And I'd be giving up somehow
How strange to see
That I don't wanna be the person that I want to be

And in my mind
I imagine so many things
Things that aren't really happening
And when they put me in the ground
I'll start pounding the lid
Saying I haven't finished yet
I still have a tattoo to get
That says I'm living in the moment
And it's funny how I imagined
That I could win this, win this fight
But maybe it isn't all that funny
That I've been fighting all my life
But maybe I have to think it's funny
If I wanna live before I die
And maybe it's funniest of all
To think I'll die before I actually see
That I am exactly the person that I want to be

Fuck yes
I am exactly the person that I want to be

How could this been done by such a smiling sweetheart.

I'm awake and I can't sleep... 

I keep thinking about things that I am putting off... 

I hate it when I get in my head like this, 

It's like a ball of worry and stress climbs into my chest and refused to move. 

The crazy part is that its things that shouldn't stress me out, for instance the fact that I have 2 half written books sitting on my hard drive.

I'm thinking of adopting a "Don't break the chain policy". 

Basically it's forcing yourself to work on something every single day for a allotted period of time. 

One of my biggest flaws happens to be my follow through, it sucks and I'm completely aware of it, yet I do nothing to counter it.

That aside another thing has been chewing at my mind, maybe that a wrong choice of words, not so much chewing but every once in a while it circles back to the forefront.

and the story goes like this...

About a year ago I met a guy... 

Obnoxious, smart, self-righteous, witty, condescending but strangely charming.

He bugged me but I enjoyed his company and we became friends but as these things go I ended up liking him as more then a friend. 

I got the impression that maybe he felt in a similar fashion. 

After a few drinks one night 

(Note: Friends please take my phone away from me when we go drinking, Thanks)

I texted him, This led to an admission of my feelings, to which he replied with a 

"No sweat, just another emotionally unavailable man, a classic trap.

I was taken aback. 

A person that I had come to consider a friend showed such a flagrant disregard for my feelings. I mean "No sweat", that is something you tell your friend after they say thanks for cooking them dinner or lending them a book. 

Well, my my, don't you just hold yourself in high regards.

That was the wake up call that I needed.

I knew at that point that this person was not only not my friend but someone that was severely emotionally stunted. Honestly, he could have handled things in a way that retained our friendship.

Here are some examples:

"I'm sorry, I don't see you in that way but I really like you as a person and I would like to remain friends with you."

"I don't feel that way about you, sorry"

"Look, we're good friends and I don't want to ruin our friendship"

Had he said, any variation of these phrases, I would have been more then happy to keep the friendship.

I would have accepted the fact that he wasn't into me and the issue would be buried.

Instead, his response inspired a feeling of hurt as well as the discontinuation of our friendship.

I never answered his text and a few weeks later I received a message from him stating this..

"I understand you're doing what you have to do, but I'll be here when you're ready."

Wow, really. 

What exactly is it that you are understanding?

Is it that my intense and overwhelming feelings for you is something that I must overcome in order to retain our friendship. 

Is that a joke?

Do you really think that I sitting at home in ruin because you dejected me?

Wrong, my world existed before you and will remain to do so after you.

If anything, this last message was just plain disrespectful, Did you even know me at all?

You made it clear you had no respect for my feelings so to give you a timeline on when I'll be "ready".

The answer is never, I don't hate myself enough for that. 

lol 

"Doing what you have to do." 

You're lucky I pulled myself out of the pile of soiled sheets and tear crusted tissues 

long enough to write this post. 

Get over yourself, that is, if you can stop looking in the mirror for a few minutes.

Now that has been said I can truly move past it. 

So I have been obsessed with a few songs and I thought I would share them here

My April/ May playlist...

1. The story ----Brandi Carlile

2. Give your heart a break---- Demi Lovato

3. Naive----The Kooks

4. So Good---- Say Anything

5. Heartbeat---- Childish Gambino

6.Everybody talk----Neon Trees

*Side Note* Check them out when you get a chance awesome songs.

Everythings on fire...

So I started reading The Hunger Game Series, and now it is my current obsession,
I started the next book last night, eeep.
And sometime in March, China glaze
(My favorite nail polish)
is going to be releasing a Hunger games line,
I already have my eye's set on 3 of the colors.
^_^
Anyway...
A few days ago I was watching MTV and A video came on and I instantly fell in love with it.
It's a Taylor Swift and The Civil wars song,
but it sounds more like it would be an Eisley song.
So as it turns out it was actually a song for the Hunger Games Soundtrack.
I think the song has a romantic feel to it and its hauntingly beautiful and sweet.
So without any further ado....

I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too... So I stayed in the darkness with you...

It's always late at night when the thoughts that run through my head cave in on me leaving me restless, tired and over thinking...
My brain can be a dangerous place sometimes.
I'm wearing two different socks... for some strange reason this makes me happy.
It doesn't take a lot to make me happy...
I enjoy the simple things in life.
I went to the Bronx zoo with my friend Nix on Monday and barely anyone was there.
It was so nice, we had the zoo to ourselves and it wasn't too cold out.
It's lazy days like this that make me grateful for growing up
in one of the most amazing cities in the world,
I love the fact that on a whim I have access to so many things.
Anyway enough of my rambles..
Here is a video that I love... Enjoy.




*Side Note* I know you feel the same...

Penelope I Wish

Made this fan video... Enjoy

White demon love song's in her dreams....

I was just listening to White Demon Love Song by The Killers...
You know that moment when you hear a song that you've
heard before and for the first time you really hear it.
Well I just had one of those moments.
Its like waking up.
I haven't done a song interpretation in a while
So after letting the song encapsulate my brain I figured I would do one....

The song starts off by telling you a story of a girl that is in love
with someone that doesn't love her the same way
and the memory of him is haunting her.

White demon love song down the hall
White demon shadow on the road
Back up your mind, there is a call
He isn't coming after all
Love this time
She likes the way he sings
White demon love song's in her dreams

She misses him and when he walks back into her life
she is hesitant because of the pain that he caused her in the first place.
she realizes that she has placed him on a pedestal that he can not live up to.
All he ever brought her was tears.

White demon, where's your selfish kiss?
White demon sorrow will arrange
Let's not forget about the fear
Black invitation to this place that cannot change
While strangely holy, come for a rain

She tells him how much he hurt her
in hopes that he might see the error of his ways
She tells him that he will end up alone
if he keeps treating people with such disregard

(Darling)
White demon, widen your heart's scope
White demon, who let your friends go?
White demon, widen your heart's scope
White demon, who let your friends go?

She offers him one last chance, almost pleading with him.

Let us be in love
(Let us be in love)
Let's do old and grey
(Let's do old and grey)
I won't make you cry
(I won't make you cry)
I will never stray
(I will never stray)
I will do my part
(I will do my part)
Let us be in love tonight

White demon, widen your heart's scope
White demon, who let your friends go?
White demon, widen your heart's scope
White demon, who let your friends go?

(Stand it anymore, darling)
(Stand it)

He sees the dept to which he has hurt her and he decides that he wants to be with her
But she doesn't want to be with him, she just wanted the choice,
and she doesn't want to be with a man that she had to plead with to love her.
She tells him to learn to deal with the consequences of his actions.
She leaves feeling lighter.

(I can't stand it anymore, darling)
(Stand it)

What do you think?
I went to songmeanings.com to see if someone else had gotten the same thing from the song
but the people there are either comparing it to twilight or hating on the twilight people.
Truth is music is interpreted by the person that is listening to it and sometimes they make it mean what they need it to mean.

Who truly stuck the knife in first...

I wasn't a huge Amy Winehouse fan but she was an Amazing singer.
I found this cover of "You know that I'm no good.."
(which is my favorite song of her's) that does the song justice.
RIP Amy
you wasted your talent,
which is the real tragedy.

So I can Die Happy....

Today I received the most amazing phone call ever...
A Mister Max Bemis called me!
Eeepp! I don't know how I made it through the call without passing out.
It was a short convo but it totally made my weekend, I was really awestruck.
I was floating around the house for a good hour.

Max was so nice he thanked me for buying a song from him and I told him how much I loved it. Sigh.... It was magical, at least for me. ^_^

Gah, so in other (less girly and gushy) news...

This weekend I was supposed to go away with my aunt, and things didn't quite go as expected which I was really bummed about, I had been looking forward to the trip since she told me about it.
Sometimes these things just don't work out though.
So instead I went to the movies with my sister and we saw "Bad Teacher"
It was really funny, We laughed a lot.
but the weekend isn't over quite yet so I'm sure I'll have more to report later.

Also I wanted to take a minuter and express my love for the new Panic! at the Disco album "Vices and Virtues" I have been listening to it non stop for the past week.
One of my Fave songs is "I wanna be Free"
I'ts seriously Amazing, my favorite Lyrics:

"I wanna be free
I wanna be loved
I wanna be more than you're thinking of
Everything seems to be estranged when you're alone"

so yeah that's all I have to talk about now, I'll keep you posted blog.
^_^

*Side Note* He called me, he called me, he called me, he called me.....

Blinding Snow White

This is a Music video I made for Florence and The Machine's "Blinding"

I have been obsessed with this song for a few weeks and every time I listen to it I imagine Snow white, So I decided to make my own Vid, using clips from my favorite version of Snow White titled Snow White: A Tale of Terror.

Enjoy!

*Side Note* Let me know what you think!

Eisley's Valley and Better Love

I am in love with the new Album from Eisley (The Valley).

I think it's Amazing. Here are 2 songs off the album.

And I love the feel of this video, It's so spur of the moment jam session-y. I dig, Enjoy!

I heart Amanda Palmer... ^_^

She is one of my Idol's, she is so creative and funny in like this completely different and Amazing way. Thank you for inspiring me everyday, Amanda.

I Wish....

My new song obsession...
is off of Eisley's new album "The Valley"
The song is "I Wish".
I have been listening to it non stop for the last 3 days.
Its very melodic and soft at first
then it sucks you in with this catchy beat
I have found myself singing it while doing things that don't require my full attention.
I think the first 3 lines in the first verse is kind of reminds me of how I feel at the moment.

"I walked into this life a lover

And I was carrying

A deep hope for you

I lit up like a fire

I watched you from afar

A blazing burning star

I came alive

A design

The tree of life... Is what you are"

I just love the lyrics, they paint this beautiful picture in my head of a first love.
Eisley has seemed to capture it in a melody.
Experiencing it for the first time with untainted eyes
completely awkward and unsure of how to act on your feelings...

Here are the rest of the lyrics:
(PS There are no official lyrics so I had to type this up myself, so it may not be completely accurate)

Ooooooh Ahoooo I wish you felt this waaay

You say Oh baby start again

Oooooh Ahoooo I wish you felt this way

You say,you take the pain away

You say, you take away the pain

So tell me it,

Do you feel this,

Cause your not sure what’s required

And do you hear this

Your not expected to be forthright

Your so profound

But your not found

And If I could Id just claim you

Ooooooh Ahoooo I wish you felt this waaay

You say Oh baby start again

Oooooh Ahoooo I wish you felt this waaaay

You say, you take the pain away

You say , you take away the pain

Ooooooohhhh oooo

I came alive

Oooooooooohhhh oooo

A new design

Ooooooh Ahoooo I wish

Ooooooh Ahoooo I wish

Ooooooh Ahoooo I wish

Ooooooh Ahoooo I wish

Ooooooh Ahoooo I wish you felt this waaay

You say Oh baby start again

Oooooh Ahoooo I wish you felt this waaaay

You say Oh baby start again

You say, you take the pain away

You say , you take away the pain

Anyway, I think I have gone on about this enough... So next topic.
I have been inspired latey to paint on canvas,
something I normally don't do because I suck when it comes to painting.
That being said, the only way to improve is to practice.
So I have rolled up my sleeves and picked up my paints and canvas
and I am attempting it.

Thus far my attempts look like that of a high school freshman... Kind of sad, but I still like them.
I might post some pics...
I might not... Lets see how I feel at the end of this post.
In my head I want to pick up a brush and bust out a piece like Audrey Kawaskai,
but I know that is improbable.
I'm just going to keep at it.
Hopefully I will see some improvement in the next few months...
Ok, ok here are pics of the paintings..

Sleeping Blue

Sisters
Forest of Shadows

*Side Note* I still haven't gotten my hair cut and I am starting to really need it....

*Side Side Note* While writing up this post, I have listened to "I wish" about 30 times.

The sun is shining somewhere

Happy Valentines Day!
In honor of this day I have come up w ith 2 song playlist for you to check out.
For those of you who are attached, grab the one you love and have a micro dance party.

1. I want you-- Fefe Dobson
2. Crush'd-- Say Anything (of course)
3. Must have dones something right-- Relient K
4. Green eyes-- I am the Avalanche

5. She likes me for me-- Collective Soul
6.Valentine-- Shades Apart

For those of you who are single, grab your Ice cream of choice and grab these songs:

1. No Surprise-- Theory of a Deadman
2. Rolling in the Deep-- Adele
3. Made Of Stone-- Envy on the Coast
4. Don't Speak Liar-- We the Kings

5. Die Alone-- Ingrid Michaelson
6. My second restraining order--I am the Avalanche

and I had a mini photo shoot here are the pic's:

*Side note* Have you seen the key to my Heart? If you do let me know...

In my dreams began to creep.. That old familiar Tweet, tweet, tweet....

So I have become obsessed with the notion of getting a bird...

I have never had a bird before,

I remember one point in my childhood wanting a parrot and

my mother said something along the lines of... "No way in hell"

and with the notion of getting a bird has come the notion of getting a cage.

(how many more times can I say "notion", my goodness!)

I found the exact kind of cage I would want on ebay...

Something like this is perfect.

Vintage and that metal lace pattern along the top is beautiful.

But I feel like I could make a bird cage...

So its got in my head that I am going to make a bird cage...

I feel like somehow this will end up with me buying the cage on ebay because the one I made is crooked and unappealing... only one way to find out right.... ^_^

*Side note* I want a Parakeet... I didn't mention that...

Home - Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros Acoustic Cover (Jorge & Alex...

This duo has stolen my heart!

I hope that If I ever have kids one day, their father will do this with them.

I guess I have to find him first....lol

*Side note* I love the part when she turns to her dad and says "One day I'm gonna whistle?"

So flippin Cute!

Just sing the saddest song for me, revive me

I don't know why but for some reason, I have felt angsty all day...
And for the most part the day was uneventful...
I have felt restless all day, and of course I had absolutely nowhere to be.
The weather was rainy (Which is my favorite)
But I just wanted to be around another human who I like, I didn't even need to talk.
And I found myself with nowhere to really turn.
In my attempt to find another I called my friend and basically invited myself over
(with permission)
I walked in on tension and then felt bad for intruding...
So I excused myself and drove around for about an hour.
I then called another friend, who I discovered, was having some of her own drama.
I felt crazy alone.
(not even a Peppermint hot Coco could mend my mood)
I eventually landed in Barnes and Noble, read a book and then came home to write this.
Now I am currently listening to Say Anything's "I used to have a heart."
There is a part in the song that stuck out to me and I feel like it's really fitting for how I feel at the moment:

All I want to do is be mended by you
I don't want to be confused, I just want to find you
All I want to kill is that which keeps me ill
Underwhelmed and unfulfilled

That's me in a nutshell today.
That expresses me more then all the words I could type here.
I feel rejected and let down by life today...
I think I'm being a tad dramatic...
I'm going to stop writing now...

When I took down my defenses for the first time there was something in me...

I have been neglecting my juggling lately...

That kind of makes me sad, I really love juggling.

So I decided I'm going to start practicing again.

Yay.

So I'm going to make a small list here of my Juggling goals:

1. Juggling 2 Diabolo's

2. 2 ball columns

3. Learn contact juggling.

4. Learn more Diabolo tricks (ie. magic knot, cats cradle etc.)

5. Also doing tricks on the Rola Bola

I think this is a good place to start off.

Hopefully I will see an improvement soon.

In other News

I saw the Neon Tree's at Webster Hall the other night with my friend Mira....

Twas Amazing!

I kinda didn't know what to expect, the crowd was filled with upper east side trust fund baby's, which would have been fine if they didn't think that just because they paid for the ticket to the show that they now owned the venue.

But.. you have to pick your battle's.

and that was not one that I wanted to waist my brain cells over.

^_^

Despite that...

The show was great.

The Neon tree's brought it, and when I say brought it, they rocked so hard the walls and the floors shook with envy.

I will def be seeing them again live.

Here is a video of their latest single "1983" for your enjoyment:

(I love all the 80's references)

Any who on the more mundane side of life...

I need to cut my hair...

*Side Note* Me thinks it might be time to dye my hair back to normal... What do you think?

The suns in my heart and I'm ready for love...

I am huge fan of 1960's/50's movies...

I am also a fan of rain.

There is only one movie that combines the two.

And that movie is....

Singing in the Rain.

It's a Classic and one of my favorite's.

Even nowadays if someone says Singing in the Rain, you know what they are talking about.

Something about movies in that time is magical.

The women oozed feminine grace and the men were completely charming.

It makes me swoon.

Haha

My favorite scene (which is probably everyone else's favorite) has to be this one:

It's so amazing!

I love the rain!

One of my favorite things to do is to run around in the rain.

Especially when it's warm out and the rain is cool and falling heavy.

I can't wait for the summer, so I can run around in the rain again.

Yay

*Side Note* I'm watching Bend it like Beckham ^_^

Why me....

Defeat is written on her face as she looks at the computer screen...

Her eye's become glossy and tears well up on the bottom lashes.

She turns her face upward and let's out a sigh of anguish.

She pushes the laptop off of her in disgust and gets out of the bed.

She stands for a moment swaying on her feet.

As if an imaginary sting has been cut she falls to the floor as her body goes limp.

That's where her parents found her two hours later.

Her face pressed into the hardwood floor as she sobs silently.

A few hours later...

The men picked her up and placed her on a gurney.

They rolled her out of the room, her mother and father stood by helplessly

watching their eldest daughter wrapped in a crisp white straight jacket.

Her face was pale and her eyes were wide and red.

She was speaking in a hurried whispers as she passed them.

She whispered "I missed it, I missed it, how could I miss it."

Her words began to blur into each other as if she was speaking another language.

The above story (that I just wrote) is how I feel on the inside....

The reason you ask...

So Max Bemis is doing solo shows in Feb...

They went on sale today at 1pm....

I forgot...

So now... *Sob* I can't go.....

I can't believe I forgot!!!!

I am super mad at myself....

Sooo bummed...

I missed it....

*Side note* I dyed the back of my hair blue, I was really happy about that until this happened... life sucks right now....