I don't know if I was awake or asleep when I wrote this

What it is about me that inspires drunken Irish men to talk to me...

and I'm not quite sure whats wrong with me because I talk back to them... lol

It's becoming a pattern.... and I don't know how I feel about it.

I'm watching The Pee-wee Herman show on Broadway on HBO, It made me think of this documentery I watched a while ago, It was about Paul Rubens.

He had a cool childhood... I have to admit I am jealous of it.

Short story, he grew up around circus folk and that inspired him to become an actor.

I would have loved to grow up in that enviorment!

I would probably be a better juggler for it too.

Speaking of which, I was practicing diabolo the other day and I am so out of practice.

but anyway thats all for now...

She can still here that Rebel Yell just as loud as it was in 1983.

Been Really busy Creating things for the craft show on City Island. I am really excited, but the adverse effect of that is that I have been neglecting my blog and I feel bad about that, so here is a real life story...

So I was at the gas station the other morning,

I was busy pumping my gas when I looked up and noticed this guy staring at me, I quickly looked away and finished pumping my gas.

I walked to the drivers side of the car and I hear someone shout "Hey" behind me.

I ignore it and hear it again.

I looked and it was that same guy that was staring at me, and he says

"It's been a long time, how are you?"

"Umm.. I don't know you"

" yeah, your Lisa, right"

"Umm, no"

" oh sorry"

"It's cool, Bye"

It had to be on of the most bizarre verbal exchanges I have ever had with another human being

that's not to say I have had many exchanges with non human beings...or have I....

so yeah that's my story... ttyl

*Side note* I am going to be going away, so you might not hear from me for a while but I promise to be more vigilant.

Yeah I totally went missing....

My Bad...

Lets update shall we....

For the most part my life has been pretty dull,

Life is mundane and it is time for me to stop being a slacker and kick my but into gear.

I have to admit thought i have quite enjoyed being a slacker.

This past weekend I went to the traditional family reunion.

That was a good time!(Really, I'm not being sarcastic, ha ha i know shock)

So I am pretty sure i mentioned my future endeavors to move to Puerto Rico, well I think it's time to get everything in order to do that. I'm thinking I will move there for 6 months are so.

But who knows what the future will hold.

So side note Story....

I went to the gas station at about 12am the other night. now I know that my card never ever works at the gas pump. So knowing this I walked up to the guy behind the glass and said

"15 on pump 6 please" and then I took out my card to hand it to him.

to which he replied "you can do it at the pump"

"It never works when I do it at the pump" I said.

then he said something that threw me off for a sec.

"Why"

Like I worked at the card company and know why it doesn't work.

So I told him" I don't know, It just never works. "

Then he told me to got try it.

So I do it and of course it doesn't work, Then he comes over and make me do it in front of him and low and behold it still doesn't work!

At this point I am totally pissed, like how demeaning!

He still had to go back to his little booth and swipe my card like he wasted my time just because he wanted to be a stubborn prick. Like that is so frustrating!!!

That's a Strange place for a Piano....

So lately I have been posting a lot more then usual.

I think that's cause I have a lot of things all jumbled in my mind right now.

Things are bugging me and I'm having a hard time sleeping at night.

I think my Insomnia is back.

It has to do with a thyroid condition I recently found out I have, but unfortunately I can't do much about it because I no longer have any health insurance. I feel myself getting a lot more personal on here then I normally get.

But whatever I need to get it out.

I think what it comes down to is that I feel like shit..

I haven't picked up my Diabolo in weeks, i haven't even juggled. They usually make me feel better when I feel like but it's like I can't bring myself to pick them up.

And the dreams....

They have been really vivid lately. It's like I cant sleep alot but when I do I remember so much, colors, places, people, the things that happen and what we say.

It's kind of insane...

HEY! Do I know you?

Have you ever seen someone in the street that you think you know and just want to run up to them and say

"Hey! Do I know you?"

Yeah, me neither.

I tend to avoid awkward-ness like that...

I probably won't remember their name, and then I'm all like... "Oh, Its you."

"Yeah... (awkward pause) How are you?"

Then they mumble something in response, I'm to busy trying to remember who they are to pay attention to what they are saying,

So then I'm like

"So, I never thought I would run into you here"

they they say "Why I've worked here for 9 years"

And then it snaps in your head, oh yeah....

they work at the video store that i used to go to all the time and this is their other job.

Now I have to backtrack and make up some lame ass excuse as to why I didn't realize who they were.

It's like a whole exhausting process that I want no part of.

Now that's not to say I'm anti-social, cause I not....Sometimes...

But it's like you haven't seen me in a small Milena, how do u still know who I am.

I don't even know how I started to write about this....

This hasn't happened to me recently.

How my brain works has to be a mystery of science.

Controller v.s. Genuine... A Neverending Cycle

So I have been meaning to sit down and write this post, I have had it all worked out in my head and now I'm going to put it down on paper so to speak. This is going to be semi serious so prep yourself. I want to talk about people and their lasting effect on other people.

Their are some people out there who like to control and hurt others, they meet a person who is kind, honest and genuine and fool the other person into thinking they are the same.

They grow closer and then when its too late for the Genuine to notice, the Controller plays games with the other person, and it can be any game that cause mental and or physical pain. It makes no difference they just love the power of controlling the Genuine. The Genuine has blinders on and can't see how the controller is using them, some of them can even see it but they are in denial.

It gets to the point where the Controller has taken the Genuine's heart and has for the most part destroyed it, leaving only enough for the Genuine to survive. The ruined Genuine goes through life by living in the past, the pain of what the Controller did, everlasting.

The ruined Genuine eventually meets another Genuine, but considers themselves ruined and destroyed, no longer good for anybody but the Controller that ruined them.

The Genuine can see the good that the ruined Genuine can't see in them self.

They are both drawn to the good parts of each other, but the ruined Genuine is so afraid of the pain, and won't give the other genuine a chance.

So the other Genuine is left to think something is wrong with them when the ruined Genuine can't see past the Controller, which fills them with self doubt and leaves them very confused. All the Genuine can do is sit and wait for the ruined Genuine's heart to heal and eyes to open.

My only fear is that the ruined Genuine will wait till its to late to open their eyes.

This may not have made a lot of sense to you, but to me it makes perfect sense.

People that have been ruined by a Controller, I'm going to say this to you.

"When you meet a new person, keep your guard up, not all the way up just a little. Listen to what they say and how they say it. The Genuine will prove themselves over and over again to you, they will be there for you when you need them and they will always have an open ear for u to whisper your problems to. A Controller will manipulate you into doing what they want you to do, they will talk only about themselves and when they see that your not feeding into their manipulations they cut you out of their life. This is how you will tell the difference. When you find the right Genuine, you'll know."

*Side Note*

Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop trying to figure out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want, and just see what happens

If I hung my head for all of my errors in judgment, I would never see the sky

I was just thinking about choices I have made so far in my life

(Every once in a while I get philosophical like this)

I went to a trade high school (against my parents wishes) but as far as I am concerned I think it was one of the best things I have ever done.
Although I never achieved academic greatness like my parents wanted I gained something else entirely, Myself.

I am comfortable in my own skin, and that's not to say I don't have insecurities because that would be false. I look at others my age and they have spent so many years trying to be someone elses idea of who they should be, that they don't know who they are.

From grades 1 to grade 8 I went to catholic school. When I entered my H.S (which was public) It was eye opening. My high school gave me an environment where I could express myself freely with out fear of being rejected or thought of as weird, that was something I didn't always get at home (Don't get me wrong I have always had lots of love at home, but they thought of me as eccentric..lol they still do).

It was an amazing environment to learn and grow in. I have seen people go to the best of schools and come out making choices that leave you thinking "what happened".

My school experiences have shaped me, even the bad experiences have shaped me. If I had to go back I wouldn't change a thing.

Did you know that Leonardo Di Vinci out of all of his achievements from science to art, he was most proud of his ability to bend metal with his bare hands.

I love who I am.
Find yourself and cherish it for all eternity

*Random Quotes I like*

1. "You say you love me now but will you when you realize i am four feet tall and have half-robot-legs?" - max bemis.

2. "There are no words I can use because their meaning still leaves for you to choose."-Cat Stevens

Ten...

...Things I believe...

(In no particular order)

1. Fairy tales, Myths and Legends
2. In True Love
3. That everyone has some good in them
4. Nothing is Impossible
5. Werewolves, Mermaids,Vampires, Fairies and Ghost are real
6. There are somethings we can not explain
7. That everything is Magic
8. No one has the right to make me feel less then what I am worth
9. The eyes are a window to a persons soul
10. Science is Amazing.

The Beat goes on..... and on....

I am super excited, This weekend is Warped Tour!!!
I have been waiting months for this!
I was in my car the other day listening to Z100 and I heard them say they were giving away tickets to warped tour.

I was like "WHAT!?!" So now I am thoroughly pissed off, Now I have to be around all of these little poser punks that a year ago they were listening to Usher and R-Kelly, now rock is the new cool thing to listen to.

Listen be true to yourself and don't try to be something your not just cause its cool.

That's one thing I could never stand, for years when I was younger I was teased because I was different, but when the different became cool every one pretended they liked it before everyone else. If you enjoy something its that simple, you enjoy it.

Ill never forget what one of my cousins said to me once:

My family and I were in the car on our way home from shopping, we were passing a art supplies store that I have previously passes, I had to be around 12 at the time. I turn to my mother and say "Hey mom one day I want to go there" My cousin turns and says "That store is for a real artist, your not a real artist".

I have always been one to try new things (that should be evident) but don't knock me for it. If you want to do something but are afraid of what other people might think.

Screw em, Do it.

What do you have to lose? Real friends support you, they don't look down on you.
That when you know you have great friends. If I were turn to my friends and say I want to go parasailing, they would most likely say "So when are we going". I have Amazing friends. In that way I am so so lucky.

*Side Note: I am now an amazing Artist! ^_^

Fear...

It is amazing how fear can stop you in your tracks. sometimes it is the most irrational feeling, but you can't help it. I was online a few minutes ago and i was looking up how to do a handstand, on the site they said most people couldn't do handstand because they were afraid of falling. Now lets take a step back, falling isn't so horrible when your standing on the ground, yeah it hurts a bit but its nothing that will damage you for life.

So i ask you: How many times have you let fear stopped you from doing something?

Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to say that i am not afraid of anything because that would be a lie, i am a chicken, but usually after my moment of irrational panic, i step up to the plate and not once have i ever regretted it. Try new things and you learn that you are capable of more then you ever though possible.

I know I am going to make fear less present in my life.

Just go for it.

What have you got to lose....Nothing.

A Major in complaining with a Minor in venting

There is this woman in my EMT Class and she is sooooooo f#$!ing annoying!!!!

She is nosey, crude, rude, self centered, prying, ugh u name it she's it. She insist upon talking to me when it is clear that i don't want to be bothered. She is what i consider to be super ghetto and she tells everyone her life story like they care, Its like i don't care about the bad choices you made in your life. Oh, your babies daddy is off in Cuba some where, well he got going when the going was good! Come on, if that was me i would have gone 2. Ugh!

Now that doesn't mean that i condone fathers abandoning their children, i mean you took part in making the child you should own up and be a responsible parent, but in the case of this girl you would understand.

This is a prime example of when she talks to you:

"Yeah, i was in the army and I'm a mom and a dad, i have a 4yr old that i named Brandon because of that show 90210" "Oh, OK I just asked if i can use your pen to sign in..."

So just rambles and rambles and is sooo conceited. shes the type of person that tell will you " i think i need to lose some weight" because she wants you to tell her, "Why? you look great" when in reality she doesn't. i don't want to sound mean but as you can see that is unavoidable.

Then she sits their and does this, let me set the scene:

I am sitting down filling out some paper work, and she is trying to get back to her seat. i stand up to let her pass and she says "How did you do on the test?" to which i reply" Well, i wish i would have done better"

Now at that point a normal person would have been like oh ok.... but not her...

"so what did you get?". i stared at her for a moment and replied "Well i didn't do as well as i had expected to do" "Yeah i know but what did you get?" " i got a 75!" " oh ok..."

I mean it was so obvious that i didn't feel like sharing, but she was soo f*$#ing persistent, i just wanted her to get out of my face. The nerve of some people. So yeah i hope she falls into a pit of zombies. and for now that is all i have to update. talk to ya soon!