Halcyon days

This is my first time writing here in a little over 8 months. Its strange you can do something so constant for so long and then one day you stop. 

You just stop. 

I found my one great love, I started a new job and tried a lot of new things.

I have barely had time to remember my name.

Today I made a decision to quit my job, I had grown to hate it and hate the person it made me.

Bitter, Angry, Depressed and massively unhappy with myself.

I was lashing out at the people I love so much and they could see a change in me.

I was miserable.

I have never quit a job before, that's not the type of person I am but here I am.

A testament to how unhappy it made me.

I don't think its fully hit me that I have escaped. 

Tomorrow is my last day there and I think when I leave, a sense of joy will wash over me.

Today I was listening to a song by The Paper Kites called "Halcyon"

I knew the song was based on a Greek myth so I googled it and this is what I found...

The ancient Greek myth of Halcyon is a tender story of love and commitment, which explains the Halcyon sunny days of calm seas and winds. The Halcyon days or Alkionides Meres, as Greeks call them, appear in mid January every year.

Halcyon: calm; peaceful; tranquil.

Also

The phrase Halcyon days today also signifies prosperity, joy, liberation and, of course, tranquility.

 This year Halcyon days started on the 20th of January and it continues for a seven days.

I think there is a beautiful irony that I should decide to liberate myself from this job at this time.

I think the universe pushed me to take the step I was hesitant to take.

How could this been done by such a smiling sweetheart.

I'm awake and I can't sleep... 

I keep thinking about things that I am putting off... 

I hate it when I get in my head like this, 

It's like a ball of worry and stress climbs into my chest and refused to move. 

The crazy part is that its things that shouldn't stress me out, for instance the fact that I have 2 half written books sitting on my hard drive.

I'm thinking of adopting a "Don't break the chain policy". 

Basically it's forcing yourself to work on something every single day for a allotted period of time. 

One of my biggest flaws happens to be my follow through, it sucks and I'm completely aware of it, yet I do nothing to counter it.

That aside another thing has been chewing at my mind, maybe that a wrong choice of words, not so much chewing but every once in a while it circles back to the forefront.

and the story goes like this...

About a year ago I met a guy... 

Obnoxious, smart, self-righteous, witty, condescending but strangely charming.

He bugged me but I enjoyed his company and we became friends but as these things go I ended up liking him as more then a friend. 

I got the impression that maybe he felt in a similar fashion. 

After a few drinks one night 

(Note: Friends please take my phone away from me when we go drinking, Thanks)

I texted him, This led to an admission of my feelings, to which he replied with a 

"No sweat, just another emotionally unavailable man, a classic trap.

I was taken aback. 

A person that I had come to consider a friend showed such a flagrant disregard for my feelings. I mean "No sweat", that is something you tell your friend after they say thanks for cooking them dinner or lending them a book. 

Well, my my, don't you just hold yourself in high regards.

That was the wake up call that I needed.

I knew at that point that this person was not only not my friend but someone that was severely emotionally stunted. Honestly, he could have handled things in a way that retained our friendship.

Here are some examples:

"I'm sorry, I don't see you in that way but I really like you as a person and I would like to remain friends with you."

"I don't feel that way about you, sorry"

"Look, we're good friends and I don't want to ruin our friendship"

Had he said, any variation of these phrases, I would have been more then happy to keep the friendship.

I would have accepted the fact that he wasn't into me and the issue would be buried.

Instead, his response inspired a feeling of hurt as well as the discontinuation of our friendship.

I never answered his text and a few weeks later I received a message from him stating this..

"I understand you're doing what you have to do, but I'll be here when you're ready."

Wow, really. 

What exactly is it that you are understanding?

Is it that my intense and overwhelming feelings for you is something that I must overcome in order to retain our friendship. 

Is that a joke?

Do you really think that I sitting at home in ruin because you dejected me?

Wrong, my world existed before you and will remain to do so after you.

If anything, this last message was just plain disrespectful, Did you even know me at all?

You made it clear you had no respect for my feelings so to give you a timeline on when I'll be "ready".

The answer is never, I don't hate myself enough for that. 

lol 

"Doing what you have to do." 

You're lucky I pulled myself out of the pile of soiled sheets and tear crusted tissues 

long enough to write this post. 

Get over yourself, that is, if you can stop looking in the mirror for a few minutes.

Now that has been said I can truly move past it. 

So I have been obsessed with a few songs and I thought I would share them here

My April/ May playlist...

1. The story ----Brandi Carlile

2. Give your heart a break---- Demi Lovato

3. Naive----The Kooks

4. So Good---- Say Anything

5. Heartbeat---- Childish Gambino

6.Everybody talk----Neon Trees

*Side Note* Check them out when you get a chance awesome songs.

A moment of blinding insight

I was thinking today about the first time I realized that I was a pretty good writer
I was in High School and we had to write an short story,
I can't remember what class it was for but the story was about a Native American boy hunting.
I had worked so hard on it and I was really proud of it.
I had made numerous drafts and even typed it up.

A few days later we all got our papers back but I didn't get mine back
So I approached my teacher after class and asked him why I didn't get mine
He said "Oh, I wanted to talk to you about this."
Now here I was thinking oh he's going to tell me how good it is.
I never expected what he said next.

"Where did you get this from?"
"Huh, I wrote it..."
"Now you're not in trouble, I just want to know where you got it from"
(isn't that just what every adult tells you right before you get into trouble?)

I was flabbergasted, not only was I being accused of some form of cheating but I was also getting into trouble for doing too good of a job on an assignment.
"I wrote it, I have the drafts at home"
"Well tomorrow bring them in so I can take a look at them"
I think at this point I mumbled something along the lines of "Okay" or "Yeah"

I held my paper in my hand and I felt dejected and let down.
I was so shocked, angry and frustrated that I nearly started crying.
Thank god I had made drafts, It wasn't a habit of mine to draft my projects, I usually just typed them up and edited them along the way.
The next day I showed the drafts to the teacher
and he looked at them and gave me my grade in kind of a dismissive way.

What was the point of accusing me and then barely glancing over my drafts.
I wasn't until much later that I realized this was sort of back handed complement.

My work was good enough for the teacher to think I forged it.
So that's where it all began,
I think I always had a passion for writing but the actions of that teacher confirmed it.
So i'm not sure if that teacher did a bad thing or a good thing.
I might never figure that out...

While I dance here among the land mines

(Cary Grant and Katharine Hepburn Bringing up baby 1938)

I'm feeling impulsive...
So so tempted to do things that I normal would refrain from.
I put up this amazing front and it fools so many people,
but some people manage to make it past because I allow them too.
Sometimes it's so exhausting to keep a smile onto my face and pretend everything is okay so I let it slip and present my thoughts written across my face.
But I can't be impulsive, I am refusing to let myself, why you ask...
Every time I have ever been impulsive I usually get rejected or things end up horrible.
I have to be so very careful because when I trip and fall the only person who is going to be there to pick up the pieces is me.
So yeah I can take care of myself...

I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too... So I stayed in the darkness with you...

It's always late at night when the thoughts that run through my head cave in on me leaving me restless, tired and over thinking...
My brain can be a dangerous place sometimes.
I'm wearing two different socks... for some strange reason this makes me happy.
It doesn't take a lot to make me happy...
I enjoy the simple things in life.
I went to the Bronx zoo with my friend Nix on Monday and barely anyone was there.
It was so nice, we had the zoo to ourselves and it wasn't too cold out.
It's lazy days like this that make me grateful for growing up
in one of the most amazing cities in the world,
I love the fact that on a whim I have access to so many things.
Anyway enough of my rambles..
Here is a video that I love... Enjoy.




*Side Note* I know you feel the same...

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness....

People generally can only believe in things that are within their realm of possibilities,
for that reason they are not able to believe in things that are as natural to us as breathing,
for instance Magic.
I think our culture has misconstrued the ideal of what magic really is,
I'm not saying its conjuring flowers out of thin air or transforming people into animals.
It's science, the way people interact with each other, how experiences make you feel and turn you into the person you become this is magic.
A friend can transform a sour mood into a warm memory.
Is that not magic?
It amazes me.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately
This might not make sense to you but to me its a clear as can be.
Open up your realm of possibility so that anything is possible and any goal is attainable.

*Side note* I feel like I sound like an after school special, "Stay in school, kids!"

Be running up that road, Be running up that hill, Be running up that building.

It’s hard, trying to figure out what you want to do with the rest of your life.

I want to go back to school and get a degree in art therapy, I feel like it’s a really good fit for me. I am good at listening and I feel that art is a fantastic way to express yourself.

At the same time, there is so much more that I want to do… I think my problem (and I’m not trying to sound conceited in any way) is that I am really good at a lot of things and I want to do everything. Is that even feasible?

I draw, I paint, I bake, I craft, and I write.

I would like to become a writer and a book illustrator and the next week I want to open a coffee shop/ bakery. Ask me what I want to do a week later and I guarantee it will be something else. I like learning skills and gaining knowledge, I have a passion for that.

You have no idea how many half written stories I have on my computer and my drawings are slowly taking over my room. Don’t get me started on the books… Stacks of them everywhere, books on psychology, writing, crocheting, fiction, biographies, sewing, starting businesses, and knitting. Look in a corner of my room and you’ll see a book.

I’m in a very introspective mood right now. I don’t really know where I am going with this post anymore. Next month is NaNoWrMo (National Novel Writing Month) and every year I take part in it and every year I get discouraged at some point and give up but I get a little farther each time.

Last year’s book was about zombies (I’m kind of sad I didn’t finish it, every once in a while I open it up and write a little more in it) and this year I plan on writing about a song. I have started creating an outline for it and I am hoping that if I prepare ahead of time this year I will be able to finish it in the allotted time.

*Side note* How much are you loving Fall right now!

Come take my pulse, the pace is on a runaway train...

Is life easier then I'm making it seem...

The last few days my head has been in a cloud.

I feel like I'm struggling for air.. and I can't figure out why.

I would hate to think I am living a meaningless life, but isn't the goal of life to be happy...

The problem is my head is living beyond my means, I want to do everything, is that even possible, when I look back on my life I want to think "Wow that was a great ride"

at this point in my life I don't think that will happen for me. Maybe it's too late or who knows maybe it isn't..

Ugh am I making any sense whatsoever... I'm so stuck in my brain.

I can feel it in my bones that there's something more to my life,

I just have to figure out what...

Anyway..

Let me give u a super mini life update:

Music i'm listening to: Metric (Great band)

Fave food at the moment: Indian

Something I'm neglecting: Photography

Movies I've been watching like an addict: District B-13 1 & 2

Crafty thing: Crocheting a small rug.

Craving: Brownies

Wearing: Alot of black (as per usual)

Website Obsession: Twitter

Frustration: My Car, which better not have anything wrong with it.

Missing: Emma Rose

Worrying: About the my direction of my life.

What I Wants: 1960's movie called "My Six Love's" starring Debbie Reynolds

Ok I think that's it for now, Talk to y'all later!

*Side note* Still haven't gotten my hair cut..

Love is our resistance...

Thinking about something my mother told me the other night...

but first a little bit of back story..

I have a very hard time sleeping at night,

which leads me to wander around the house at 2, 3 or even perhaps 4am..

I don't know why but this is how it is.

Usually I just occupy this time by reading, watching movies, listening to music, drawing or even the random painting. So I wander around the house.

As you know I was away for the last 2 weeks.

Now I would like to think that I still live at home because I can not afford to move out, but in reality I stay because I know how much my parents depend on me.

I guess it's just one of those things... anyway back to the beginning..

So I had just gotten back from N.C. I was doing my normal wandering thing and I guess my mother had gotten used to the house being quiet at night

(Don't get me wrong its not like I walking down the halls banging pots and pans when every ones asleep its more like you hear me walking around and moving things.)

So I woke her up and she said "Delilah" to which I replied "Yeah"

"Oh, it's you, I'm not used to hearing someone moving around at night."

"Sorry"

"It's ok, I missed it" after she said that she laughed and went back to sleep.

It was nice to know that I was missed,

that something so insignificant as my walking around the house.

It just made me think of my mother and my relationship,

It took a long time for her to accept me the way I am.

Now I doubt she would even blink an eye if I walked into the living room covered in glitter and feathers.

She would probably ask the regrettable question " What are you doing?"

So yeah that little thing got me thinking... about this lady..

Jack of all Trades, Master at none

Today, lots of thoughts have been running through my head, too many…

Sometimes I think it’s better to be simple-minded at least that way you won’t know that you’re throwing your life away.

I guess that is what I have been feeling lately, I know no one can make me happy but me, it’s not as easy as it seems.

Time is holding me captive like it does everyone else.

Is my only choice to make the best of it or do I have the option to fight it kicking and screaming? It passes so quickly, I take a breath and a week has passed, I move my hand to my face and there goes a year.

Hmmm.

I picked up my computer and had all intentions of writing about music and the amazing effect it has upon ones soul, but it seems my mind had other things planned.

Let me try and steer you away from my depression introspective.

I find myself listening to Death Cab for Cutie more, my favorite song right now has to be "Passenger seat".

It’s slow and melodic but it captures my heart in a way that cannot be explained. Although I find the one song that encompasses how I feel is "the sound of Settling". It’s short but upbeat, you find yourself singing along with it.

Despite the upbeat tempo I feel like the song is attempting to give the listener a wakeup call by telling them that at one point the singer may have felt himself settling when he knew he could do so much more.

The line I love most is "My brains repeating, if you’ve got an impulse let it out."

It’s strange how writing this out makes the weight on my chest lighter. I think that is all I have to say for now. Sorry this was such a depressing post I’ll try to make the next post upbeat. ^_^

Here are some pictures that are lifting my spirits at the moment

the following found at http://ache.tumblr.com/