Think I finally know the difference between hiding between living...

 The year is 2022. 

I have not written in this blog in over 7 years. 

Lets have a life update shall we. 

I have been married for almost 4 years now to my husband, Peter, we got married in 2018 after being with each other for 6 years. We honeymooned in New Orleans and we enjoy visiting Montreal any chance we can get. 

In May of 2019 we adopted a little Holland lop bunny we named Evee. 

 

The following year we adopted our little monster Coquito (Coco). 

As of September of 2021, We bought a house and moved from our cute apartment in Valley Cottage to our new home only 7 minutes away. 

(Clearly we like the area.) 

Life thus far has been good, like with most things, we have had high's and lows. 

Last year we had a lot more lows then we would have liked but I try not to dwell on the negative (however hard that may be)  and look towards the future.

Goodbye for now.

Halcyon days

This is my first time writing here in a little over 8 months. Its strange you can do something so constant for so long and then one day you stop. 

You just stop. 

I found my one great love, I started a new job and tried a lot of new things.

I have barely had time to remember my name.

Today I made a decision to quit my job, I had grown to hate it and hate the person it made me.

Bitter, Angry, Depressed and massively unhappy with myself.

I was lashing out at the people I love so much and they could see a change in me.

I was miserable.

I have never quit a job before, that's not the type of person I am but here I am.

A testament to how unhappy it made me.

I don't think its fully hit me that I have escaped. 

Tomorrow is my last day there and I think when I leave, a sense of joy will wash over me.

Today I was listening to a song by The Paper Kites called "Halcyon"

I knew the song was based on a Greek myth so I googled it and this is what I found...

The ancient Greek myth of Halcyon is a tender story of love and commitment, which explains the Halcyon sunny days of calm seas and winds. The Halcyon days or Alkionides Meres, as Greeks call them, appear in mid January every year.

Halcyon: calm; peaceful; tranquil.

Also

The phrase Halcyon days today also signifies prosperity, joy, liberation and, of course, tranquility.

 This year Halcyon days started on the 20th of January and it continues for a seven days.

I think there is a beautiful irony that I should decide to liberate myself from this job at this time.

I think the universe pushed me to take the step I was hesitant to take.

Let's forget who, forget what, forget where

Struggling...

I'm having a hard time lately.

I'm in a really weird place in my life right now, I look around and I see people my age or younger and they have their shit together and here I am just floating around aimlessly.

Why is it so hard to figure out what I want. 

I want to do so many things...

I have finally found my other half, Isn't everything else supposed to fall into place?

Maybe I'm too much of an Idealist.

Right now I'm kind of in love with this song by: of Montreal

 Wraith Pinned to the Mist 

 (Some of the Lyrics)

Maybe I'll never die, I'll just keep growing younger with you, and you'll grow younger, too.
Now it seems too lovely to be true, but I know the best things always do.
Let's pretend we don't exist, let's pretend we're in Antarctica.

I like the whimsy of the song. 

I think that is what my life is missing...

Whimsy, I am so overwhelmed with reality sometimes.

I think its going to be that way until I figure out my life. 

 Lets hope it doesn't take me  too much longer.

*Side note* Ombre post and I'm thinking of doing something new with my hair

Life as I know it...

So the weather is finally turning around, it feels like spring is finally here, I love it. 

I want to be outside like all day long.

Unrealistic but whatever.

I have been uber lazy about getting ready for the color run and I need to get myself into gear.

I need a really big kick in the butt..

 anyhoo...

Pete and I are closing in on the one year mark, July 13th. 

It seriously feels like time is flying by.

Also

 I'm really excited because I have a bunch of concerts comming up and I cant wait!!

Say anything

Fall Out Boy

And 

Jacks Mannequin  
woop woop!

Sooo Amped

More updates soon!!

^_^

Color Run!!

So recently, I have signed up for a...

(insert drumroll)

...Color run!!

I'm so excited, I've wanted to do one for a while and the opportunity presented itself, 

so I was all like "let's do this thing!" 

I got a new pair of running shoes and now it's all about getting myself prepped and ready for this 5K!

(which I discovered is 3.1 miles)

I even found this little training regiment 

to get myself in gear.

 I'm not really a runner but I'm looking forward to rising to the challenge. 

Who knows maybe running is my thing? 

I have until September to get ready, plenty of time right? 

(Hope so *fingers crossed*)

by the end of the race I hope to look something like this...

Fun Right?!

My mind is open wide, Now I'm Ready to Start....

So many things are going on in my life right now

and at the same time not a lot is going on.

Recently I bought Krav Maga classes, 

I still haven't registered for them yet, 

I'll probably do that sometime this week, i'm really excited for them.

Also I saw a Livingsocial deal this week for Stunt training classes,

I'm considering signing up for these as well.

I feel like being adventurous lately.

I want to take advantage of every moment life has to offer me.

I'm just stressed right now.

and I think im coming down with a cold,

I'm like all achy and my eyes hurt and I've been running  fever.. 

but the weird thing is I haven't felt the typical sick.

Starting to realize this post isnt really about anything in particular, I just felt like I had to write.

 *Side note* I want to see The Host.

Can I make it better.. With the lights turned off

I give so much of myself with everything I do and lately I feel like I get get little to no return and that doesn't mean that I expect something in return but It does makes me feel sad and unappreciated.

maybe I'm just taking things too personally or maybe I should pull back and not give so much.
What do I do?

I'm scared of being taken advantage of and I'm scared of playing things to close to my chest.
I'm walking a very fine line.
I hate this feeling, like something's sitting on my chest and it hurts to breathe.

I think this will be a struggle that will plague me the rest of my life, finding the right amount I invest myself into something.

Crafty like a fox...

I've been crafting like crazy lately...

I love it!

Making things with my hands is so therapeutic for me.

List of things I've made over the past few months...

1. Coasters

2. Crochet crowns

3. Scarfs

4. Drawings

5. Gloves

...and there is more in the works.

I'm making decisions on things I want to put in my Etsy shop, I know for sure that I want to include the Crochet Crowns and I'm going to start making prints of my drawings. 

Also I'm feeling writey

So I feel some stories coming along as well as perhaps the conclusions of books I may have started. 

Who knows?

I'm not their hero but that doesn't mean that I wasn't brave

Im in love love love with Tegan and Sara's new album, 

its fun, 

amazing lyrically 

and makes me want to dance.

Who could ask for more?

My favorite song for the album right now is... 

(Drum roll)

"I'm not your Hero"

The song just speaks to me. 

I feel like it relates all the things I went though last year.

I feel like I started the year like the begining of the song 

"Standing where I am now, standing up at all
I was used to feeling like I was never gonna see myself at the finish line
Hanging on to parts of me, hanging on at all
I was used to seeing no future in my sight line"

I've come so far from where I was last January, 

I was feeling sad and I was questioning a lot of the things and people around me.

 I was really struggling and somewhere in the following months I decided that I needed to change my way of thinking and start looking towards the positive side of life.

This is where the second part of the song comes into play

 

 "Feeling like I am now lighting up the hall
I was used to standing in the shadow of a damaged heart
Learning all I know now, losing all I did
I never used to feel like I'd be standing so far ahead"

I am so ridiculously happy.

I found someone that completely understands me and loves me no matter what.

I have been given the greatest gift.

*Side Note* I want pizza...

I'm gonna live, I'm gonna fly

I can't believe it's already the end of January, it went by so fast. 

I think that is because its been so busy lately.

Lets do a mini recap...

At the end of December was my Birthday and I turned 26, on the 22nd my cousin turned 27 and on the 26th my Boyfriend turned 28, between all of that I have been working at 2 jobs and trying to maintain a poor excuse for a social life.

 I wanted to create a list of some goals I want to accomplish for 2013

So here I go!

1. Enroll in Art classes

2. Get a new and exciting job that I enjoy

3. Go swimming on a regular basis

4. Finish my Nanowrimo, before the next Nanowrimo starts.

5. Take Circus classes

6. Read more then 25 books

7. Travel to 2 places I've never been before

8. Get my Etsy up and running and productive.

9. Have an adventure

10. Take more chances

11. Go to more Concerts

12. Blog more

Lately I find myself wanting to really give my Esty store a chance, 

I feel like I haven't been putting as much effort as I should into it. 

Its hard for me...

I work so hard on something that I think people will really dig 

and then it sits in my shop forever and never sells.

I get really discouraged when that happens.

 But I think its time for some change.

In the next few weeks I plan on revamping some things.

I am working on a new shop logo, new store policies and thinking of fun and new items to stock in my shop.

I'm also going to invest in advertizing and create some coupon codes.

I want to see a profit for a change...

I'm looking forward to the new year.

Twenty six

In My Mind

  By Amanda Palmer

In my mind
In a future five years from now
I'm one hundred and twenty pounds
And I never get hung over
Because I will be the picture of discipline
Never minding what state I'm in
And I will be someone I admire
And it's funny how I imagined
That I would be that person now
But it does not seem to have happened
Maybe I've just forgotten how to see
That I am not exactly the person that I thought I'd be

And in my mind
In the faraway here and now
I've become in control somehow
And I never lose my wallet
Because I will be the picture of of discipline
Never fucking up anything
And I'll be a good defensive driver
And it's funny how I imagined
That I would be that person now
But it does not seem to have happened
Maybe I've just forgotten how to see
That I'll never be the person that I thought I'd be

And in my mind
When I'm old I am beautiful
Planting tulips and vegetables
Which I will mindfully watch over
Not like me now
I'm so busy with everything
That I don't look at anything
But I'm sure I'll look when I am older
And it's funny how I imagined
That I could be that person now
But that's not what I want
But that's what I wanted
And I'd be giving up somehow
How strange to see
That I don't wanna be the person that I want to be

And in my mind
I imagine so many things
Things that aren't really happening
And when they put me in the ground
I'll start pounding the lid
Saying I haven't finished yet
I still have a tattoo to get
That says I'm living in the moment
And it's funny how I imagined
That I could win this, win this fight
But maybe it isn't all that funny
That I've been fighting all my life
But maybe I have to think it's funny
If I wanna live before I die
And maybe it's funniest of all
To think I'll die before I actually see
That I am exactly the person that I want to be

Fuck yes
I am exactly the person that I want to be

Books make great gifts because they have whole worlds inside of them...

Books how I love them, they are warm and welcoming, adventurous, exciting, sad, scary and can sometimes lead you to the edge of your seat.
They are better then movies and keeps the monotony of everyday life at bay.
MY mother always stressed the importance of reading books.
I used to love our trips to the library, 
I still remember when I received my very own library card,
it was a very big deal.

To quote my favorite author:

“Don't ever apologize to an author for buying something in paperback, or taking it out from a library (that's what they're there for. Use your library). Don't apologize to this author for buying books second hand, or getting them from book crossing or borrowing a friend's copy. What's important to me is that people read the books and enjoy them, and that, at some point in there, the book was bought by someone. And that people who like things, tell other people. The most important thing is that people read... ”
― Neil Gaiman

Always an inspiration to me.
 I try and read as much as possible, there are times when I am almost inhaling books.
For me reading is not only an escape from reality, it is also a release.
I get to go on great adventures, 
fight wars and feel emotional events through the eyes of a heroine or hero.
I can go on and on about my love of books but I will stop here...

Anyhoo, here is a list of books that I read in 2012.
(Although this is not a list of everything I have read, as of late I have been reading books written by independent authors from a great website called "Wattpad" which is also available as an app.)

 I am hoping that next year I will read a lot more then this... well that's the goal anyway...

*SideNote* Go to your local library and take out a book!!

My Bucket List

A list of goals to be completed before my end.

I will update and re-post this as I accomplish or add goals.

1. Fly a plane

2. Finish a crocheted blanket

3. Watch baby sea turtles hatch and return to sea.

4. Learn a language fluently

5. Be on Cash Cab

6. Travel the world

London

Paris

Italy

Ireland

Hungry

Greece

Germany

Czech Republic

Dominican Republic

Austria

Slovakia 

 India

Japan

Australia

Lebanon

 Amsterdam

Russia

New Zealand 

Canada

Spain

Mexico

Romania

Denmark

To be Continued...

7. Meet Neil Gaiman

8. Finish my book
9. Get my book Published

10. Go kayaking

11. Go to a tropical beach and spend the day listening to my ipod

12. Be on the news

13.Learn Chinese Silks

14.Get a song shop song by Max Bemis

15. See Death Cab for Cutie Live

16. Learn to ride a Vespa

17. Ride a wave via surfing

18. Learn to Snowboard

19. Row a boat in central park

20. Go to Loch Ness and See Loch Ness monster

21. Learn to breathe fire

22. Adopt a dog

23. Watch a flash mob in person

24. Ride an Elephant

25. Learn the art of Blowing glass

26.Start my own Etsy store and sell my art work

27. Live in Puerto Rico for a year

28. See The Killers Live

29. Buy a Vespa

30. Visit every state in the USA

New York

Florida

New Jersey

Pennsylvania

Georgia

Connecticut

Nevada

Wyoming

South Dakota

Montana

Idaho

Utah 

Illinois

Virgina

North Carolina

To be Continued...

31. Visit Harry Potter world.

32. Ride a horse

33. Touch or swim with a whale

34. See the Northern lights

35. Join the Circus

36. Fly on a trapeze
37. Learn to juggle

To be Continued and Updated...

I'm caught up in this moment, caught up in your smile...

So many thing are changing this year...

I love it.

I felt for so long that I was at a standstill with myself. 

I was at a cross road making no decisions just sitting there wavering back and forth about my future.

For the first time I feel like I'm making progress.

Recently I was watching a video posted by John Green, the author of "Looking for Alaska" and "Paper Towns". I adore this man, he is seriously such an inspiration.

In the video he answers a question "How do I figure out what to do with my life", this is a question I have been struggling with my entire life, I never wanted to close doors for myself so I had a hard time making decisions. John Green attacks the question by disagreeing with it and he's right.

We approach life as the end all be all, we decide our career path and then we meet a person that we want to share life with, we procreate and die. This ideal is so bland. Don't get me wrong I want to do some of that but I also want to do so much more. I want to take advantage of life to the fullest and live, truly Live.

I require sustenance in the form of knowledge and life experiences.

Earlier this year I made a conscience decision to change the way I approached life and since making that decision, my life has changed for the better and I only see things getting better. 

*Side note*  Love life the way you love yourself.

Happiness hit her like a train on a track...

I've been pretty silent on here lately and I'm going to try and change that.
( have I said this before?)

So here is an update on the going ons..... I've been making progress with continuing my last nanowrimo, I feel like my writing is at an evolutionary point, my dialogue is getting a lot better and the descriptions of locations in my book seem real. I'm very happy with the way it's coming out, my goal for this year is to finish one of my nanowrimo's and I really feel like its becoming a possibility. I'm excited to see how the story is going to come out, I wonder if you can see my improvement by reading it?

Hmmm... Guess we shall see.. In other news...

I'm ridiculously happy, feeling positive and looking forward to the future.

In about a weeks time I will be heading to the Dominican Republic to witness 2 of my best friends take a huge step towards their future together. I am so happy for them and honored to share that moment with them.

You're in my body... That's where I think about you

Over a month ago I met a boy...

He makes me feel cherished, special, treasured and adored.

I feel like anything is possible with him. I'm not worried about feeling strange or awkward in front of him, in fact, I feel like he embraces my weirdness.

That's a first for me...

The wall that I built around myself apparently had a secret door that he found and slipped right into. I've never felt this way before.

He's sooo amazing... strong but kind and gentle, he makes me laugh and smile, he's genuine, smart, charming, handsome and I trust him.

That's insane considering I've known him for such a short time but I don't even care. It feels so right. He's everything I could have hoped for and more.

I'm so lucky to have him in my life, it amazes me how much he gets and understands me... I'm so ridiculously happy to be with him.

Working

So I started a new job, I didn't mention until now because I didn't want to jinx it but now that it's slightly more secure and I've been doing it for about a month now I feel i can talk about it, the one downside to this job is that it's only for the summer, I'm really hoping it leads to something full time because I really enjoy working with this company.

Now you may be wondering l

"what do you do at your new job?"

Well I am responsible for coordinating activities for international students that are visiting NY to learn english also for acting as a representative for my company.

I have loved meeting people from different cultures and backgrounds, it's really enriching, I've already made a few friends with some of my groups, everyone is really great and receptive to learning new things.

I also get to run around the city and so far I've been to top of the rock 4 times and to the statue of liberty. It's pretty awesome.

Every time you fall it's only making your chin strong

I've dropped the blogging ball, I have been pretty inactive on here the last few months and that makes me kinda sad. The reason I started this blog was because I wanted to look back at some point in time see how I've grown and changed as a person.

This year seems to have become a major turning point for me in my life so I feel like I should be writing more then ever, some of the people that I thought would remain in my life have taken a swift exit and others have remained loyally at my side.

I have made some really pivotal life decisions and I can honestly say I feel like this is the happiest and most serene time of my life. Things are falling into place seamlessly and it renews a hope in me that was diminishing by the day.

I believe part of that has to do with changing my mode of think and the way I've been approaching life.
I'm a lot less negative then before.

I'm going to follow this post with more updates about the things I have yet to post about. As for now, later!

How could this been done by such a smiling sweetheart.

I'm awake and I can't sleep... 

I keep thinking about things that I am putting off... 

I hate it when I get in my head like this, 

It's like a ball of worry and stress climbs into my chest and refused to move. 

The crazy part is that its things that shouldn't stress me out, for instance the fact that I have 2 half written books sitting on my hard drive.

I'm thinking of adopting a "Don't break the chain policy". 

Basically it's forcing yourself to work on something every single day for a allotted period of time. 

One of my biggest flaws happens to be my follow through, it sucks and I'm completely aware of it, yet I do nothing to counter it.

That aside another thing has been chewing at my mind, maybe that a wrong choice of words, not so much chewing but every once in a while it circles back to the forefront.

and the story goes like this...

About a year ago I met a guy... 

Obnoxious, smart, self-righteous, witty, condescending but strangely charming.

He bugged me but I enjoyed his company and we became friends but as these things go I ended up liking him as more then a friend. 

I got the impression that maybe he felt in a similar fashion. 

After a few drinks one night 

(Note: Friends please take my phone away from me when we go drinking, Thanks)

I texted him, This led to an admission of my feelings, to which he replied with a 

"No sweat, just another emotionally unavailable man, a classic trap.

I was taken aback. 

A person that I had come to consider a friend showed such a flagrant disregard for my feelings. I mean "No sweat", that is something you tell your friend after they say thanks for cooking them dinner or lending them a book. 

Well, my my, don't you just hold yourself in high regards.

That was the wake up call that I needed.

I knew at that point that this person was not only not my friend but someone that was severely emotionally stunted. Honestly, he could have handled things in a way that retained our friendship.

Here are some examples:

"I'm sorry, I don't see you in that way but I really like you as a person and I would like to remain friends with you."

"I don't feel that way about you, sorry"

"Look, we're good friends and I don't want to ruin our friendship"

Had he said, any variation of these phrases, I would have been more then happy to keep the friendship.

I would have accepted the fact that he wasn't into me and the issue would be buried.

Instead, his response inspired a feeling of hurt as well as the discontinuation of our friendship.

I never answered his text and a few weeks later I received a message from him stating this..

"I understand you're doing what you have to do, but I'll be here when you're ready."

Wow, really. 

What exactly is it that you are understanding?

Is it that my intense and overwhelming feelings for you is something that I must overcome in order to retain our friendship. 

Is that a joke?

Do you really think that I sitting at home in ruin because you dejected me?

Wrong, my world existed before you and will remain to do so after you.

If anything, this last message was just plain disrespectful, Did you even know me at all?

You made it clear you had no respect for my feelings so to give you a timeline on when I'll be "ready".

The answer is never, I don't hate myself enough for that. 

lol 

"Doing what you have to do." 

You're lucky I pulled myself out of the pile of soiled sheets and tear crusted tissues 

long enough to write this post. 

Get over yourself, that is, if you can stop looking in the mirror for a few minutes.

Now that has been said I can truly move past it. 

So I have been obsessed with a few songs and I thought I would share them here

My April/ May playlist...

1. The story ----Brandi Carlile

2. Give your heart a break---- Demi Lovato

3. Naive----The Kooks

4. So Good---- Say Anything

5. Heartbeat---- Childish Gambino

6.Everybody talk----Neon Trees

*Side Note* Check them out when you get a chance awesome songs.

An examined life....

Here it is almost May and I have yet to post...
April has been a great month for me, so many epic moments.

Here is a list
1. Met/ touched Max Bemis
2. Say anything concert
3. Some really amazing hang out sessions
4. Neon trees concert
5. Foodsploring
6. I won a sketch book and metal sharpie from blick (thanks Mira)
7. Decided I wanted to start taking art classes.
8. Got my first interview under my belt.
9. Discovered something about what I want out of life.
10. Learned to play darts
11. I've been really inspired artistically

This is just a small list, I'm sure I'm leaving things out. Oh, like trying creme brûlée for the first time.
I feel like this year so far has been leading me to a point in my life where I'm discovering what I want.

It's funny I was making pasta from scratch the other night and my mother walked into the kitchen, looked around then at me and said "Do you have to have your hand in everything?" the answer was out of my mouth before I really thought about it. "Yes"
A few days later after thinking about what my response I realized how true my answer really was.
I brought it up again with my mother, we were in the car and a song she dedicated to me on my sweet sixteen came on the radio, I hope you dance, it's all about living your life to the fullest. I didn't realize that's what I was doing. She said "It's like you have to have every bite of the pie" she's right. I want to do everything, try everything, learn everything. I don't want to miss out on a single life experience.

The unexamined life is not worth living. - Socrates

I plan on living the rest of my life to its fullest, you only live once, right.

*side note* I'm including some pics!