I'm awake and I can't sleep...
I keep thinking about things that I am putting off...
I hate it when I get in my head like this,
It's like a ball of worry and stress climbs into my chest and refused to move.
The crazy part is that its things that shouldn't stress me out, for instance the fact that I have 2 half written books sitting on my hard drive.
I'm thinking of adopting a "Don't break the chain policy".
Basically it's forcing yourself to work on something every single day for a allotted period of time.
One of my biggest flaws happens to be my follow through, it sucks and I'm completely aware of it, yet I do nothing to counter it.
That aside another thing has been chewing at my mind, maybe that a wrong choice of words, not so much chewing but every once in a while it circles back to the forefront.
and the story goes like this...
About a year ago I met a guy...
Obnoxious, smart, self-righteous, witty, condescending but strangely charming.
He bugged me but I enjoyed his company and we became friends but as these things go I ended up liking him as more then a friend.
I got the impression that maybe he felt in a similar fashion.
After a few drinks one night
(Note: Friends please take my phone away from me when we go drinking, Thanks)
I texted him, This led to an admission of my feelings, to which he replied with a
"No sweat, just another emotionally unavailable man, a classic trap.
I was taken aback.
A person that I had come to consider a friend showed such a flagrant disregard for my feelings. I mean "No sweat", that is something you tell your friend after they say thanks for cooking them dinner or lending them a book.
Well, my my, don't you just hold yourself in high regards.
That was the wake up call that I needed.
I knew at that point that this person was not only not my friend but someone that was severely emotionally stunted. Honestly, he could have handled things in a way that retained our friendship.
Here are some examples:
"I'm sorry, I don't see you in that way but I really like you as a person and I would like to remain friends with you."
"I don't feel that way about you, sorry"
"Look, we're good friends and I don't want to ruin our friendship"
Had he said, any variation of these phrases, I would have been more then happy to keep the friendship.
I would have accepted the fact that he wasn't into me and the issue would be buried.
Instead, his response inspired a feeling of hurt as well as the discontinuation of our friendship.
I never answered his text and a few weeks later I received a message from him stating this..
"I understand you're doing what you have to do, but I'll be here when you're ready."
Wow, really.
What exactly is it that you are understanding?
Is it that my intense and overwhelming feelings for you is something that I must overcome in order to retain our friendship.
Is that a joke?
Do you really think that I sitting at home in ruin because you dejected me?
Wrong, my world existed before you and will remain to do so after you.
If anything, this last message was just plain disrespectful, Did you even know me at all?
You made it clear you had no respect for my feelings so to give you a timeline on when I'll be "ready".
The answer is never, I don't hate myself enough for that.
lol
"Doing what you have to do."
You're lucky I pulled myself out of the pile of soiled sheets and tear crusted tissues
long enough to write this post.
Get over yourself, that is, if you can stop looking in the mirror for a few minutes.
Now that has been said I can truly move past it.
So I have been obsessed with a few songs and I thought I would share them here
My April/ May playlist...
1. The story ----Brandi Carlile
2. Give your heart a break---- Demi Lovato
3. Naive----The Kooks
4. So Good---- Say Anything
5. Heartbeat---- Childish Gambino
6.Everybody talk----Neon Trees
*Side Note* Check them out when you get a chance awesome songs.