Every time you fall it's only making your chin strong

I've dropped the blogging ball, I have been pretty inactive on here the last few months and that makes me kinda sad. The reason I started this blog was because I wanted to look back at some point in time see how I've grown and changed as a person.

This year seems to have become a major turning point for me in my life so I feel like I should be writing more then ever, some of the people that I thought would remain in my life have taken a swift exit and others have remained loyally at my side.

I have made some really pivotal life decisions and I can honestly say I feel like this is the happiest and most serene time of my life. Things are falling into place seamlessly and it renews a hope in me that was diminishing by the day.

I believe part of that has to do with changing my mode of think and the way I've been approaching life.
I'm a lot less negative then before.

I'm going to follow this post with more updates about the things I have yet to post about. As for now, later!

How could this been done by such a smiling sweetheart.

I'm awake and I can't sleep... 

I keep thinking about things that I am putting off... 

I hate it when I get in my head like this, 

It's like a ball of worry and stress climbs into my chest and refused to move. 

The crazy part is that its things that shouldn't stress me out, for instance the fact that I have 2 half written books sitting on my hard drive.

I'm thinking of adopting a "Don't break the chain policy". 

Basically it's forcing yourself to work on something every single day for a allotted period of time. 

One of my biggest flaws happens to be my follow through, it sucks and I'm completely aware of it, yet I do nothing to counter it.

That aside another thing has been chewing at my mind, maybe that a wrong choice of words, not so much chewing but every once in a while it circles back to the forefront.

and the story goes like this...

About a year ago I met a guy... 

Obnoxious, smart, self-righteous, witty, condescending but strangely charming.

He bugged me but I enjoyed his company and we became friends but as these things go I ended up liking him as more then a friend. 

I got the impression that maybe he felt in a similar fashion. 

After a few drinks one night 

(Note: Friends please take my phone away from me when we go drinking, Thanks)

I texted him, This led to an admission of my feelings, to which he replied with a 

"No sweat, just another emotionally unavailable man, a classic trap.

I was taken aback. 

A person that I had come to consider a friend showed such a flagrant disregard for my feelings. I mean "No sweat", that is something you tell your friend after they say thanks for cooking them dinner or lending them a book. 

Well, my my, don't you just hold yourself in high regards.

That was the wake up call that I needed.

I knew at that point that this person was not only not my friend but someone that was severely emotionally stunted. Honestly, he could have handled things in a way that retained our friendship.

Here are some examples:

"I'm sorry, I don't see you in that way but I really like you as a person and I would like to remain friends with you."

"I don't feel that way about you, sorry"

"Look, we're good friends and I don't want to ruin our friendship"

Had he said, any variation of these phrases, I would have been more then happy to keep the friendship.

I would have accepted the fact that he wasn't into me and the issue would be buried.

Instead, his response inspired a feeling of hurt as well as the discontinuation of our friendship.

I never answered his text and a few weeks later I received a message from him stating this..

"I understand you're doing what you have to do, but I'll be here when you're ready."

Wow, really. 

What exactly is it that you are understanding?

Is it that my intense and overwhelming feelings for you is something that I must overcome in order to retain our friendship. 

Is that a joke?

Do you really think that I sitting at home in ruin because you dejected me?

Wrong, my world existed before you and will remain to do so after you.

If anything, this last message was just plain disrespectful, Did you even know me at all?

You made it clear you had no respect for my feelings so to give you a timeline on when I'll be "ready".

The answer is never, I don't hate myself enough for that. 

lol 

"Doing what you have to do." 

You're lucky I pulled myself out of the pile of soiled sheets and tear crusted tissues 

long enough to write this post. 

Get over yourself, that is, if you can stop looking in the mirror for a few minutes.

Now that has been said I can truly move past it. 

So I have been obsessed with a few songs and I thought I would share them here

My April/ May playlist...

1. The story ----Brandi Carlile

2. Give your heart a break---- Demi Lovato

3. Naive----The Kooks

4. So Good---- Say Anything

5. Heartbeat---- Childish Gambino

6.Everybody talk----Neon Trees

*Side Note* Check them out when you get a chance awesome songs.

An examined life....

Here it is almost May and I have yet to post...
April has been a great month for me, so many epic moments.

Here is a list
1. Met/ touched Max Bemis
2. Say anything concert
3. Some really amazing hang out sessions
4. Neon trees concert
5. Foodsploring
6. I won a sketch book and metal sharpie from blick (thanks Mira)
7. Decided I wanted to start taking art classes.
8. Got my first interview under my belt.
9. Discovered something about what I want out of life.
10. Learned to play darts
11. I've been really inspired artistically

This is just a small list, I'm sure I'm leaving things out. Oh, like trying creme brûlée for the first time.
I feel like this year so far has been leading me to a point in my life where I'm discovering what I want.

It's funny I was making pasta from scratch the other night and my mother walked into the kitchen, looked around then at me and said "Do you have to have your hand in everything?" the answer was out of my mouth before I really thought about it. "Yes"
A few days later after thinking about what my response I realized how true my answer really was.
I brought it up again with my mother, we were in the car and a song she dedicated to me on my sweet sixteen came on the radio, I hope you dance, it's all about living your life to the fullest. I didn't realize that's what I was doing. She said "It's like you have to have every bite of the pie" she's right. I want to do everything, try everything, learn everything. I don't want to miss out on a single life experience.

The unexamined life is not worth living. - Socrates

I plan on living the rest of my life to its fullest, you only live once, right.

*side note* I'm including some pics!

Parking Anxiety

I'm going crazy in my head right now over the dumbest thing ever....

Someone didn't leave enough space so my car would fit on the street where I usually park. 3 cars can fit there without a problem but this person took up 2 of the spaces.

My car is old and it starts best when it is facing downward instead of upward. So now I'm concerned my car won't start in the morning when I have to head to work, if this person would have just Parked a few feet closer to the car in front of them I would have had space to park my car. Instead I was forced to park my car facing upward.

I wanted so badly to leave a note just saying "hey if you could just leave a little more room in the future I would appreciate it" but I'm scared that I'll come off as a jerk and then they will do it on purpose next time. Is it rude for me to leave a note at all? Ugh I'm stressing over it so badly.... I don't know what to do.....

Broken in our own ways....

I've been at odds with myself recently about some of the people that I consider my friends...
I realized that I always seemed to be pushing the friendship along,
I would call them and I would go visit them, etc.
But they never sought me out.
So I stopped.

And I haven't heard from them...
So what does that say?
Does that mean that they don't care?
Have we perhaps grown apart?
Because that's how it feels.

It hurts when I see status updates or tweets about places that are
literally down the block from me and I never get a call saying
"hey, I'm close to your house are you home? Let's hang."

I get that you have your own lives, and I don't expect a call everyday or even every week
but I don't know when something good happens to me or something gets me upset,
I want to call the people close to me and tell them all about it because I know they care.
For a while there it felt like I had no one to turn to..

Part of me can't even blame them, I'm not the best at calling people either, but that doesn't mean that I'm not watching and listening.

Its a sad day when I have to go to your blog and find out whats going on with your life.
or
when I ask you to lunch and you bring other people that I don't know and have no common ground with.

When did we stop telling each other, everything?
I was debating on writing this post,
but you know what,
this is my place to write down everything I'm feeling.
I'm not going to censor myself because you may or may not read this.
Fuck that.

This is not meant as a personal attack either... this is me saying
"I'm hurt and no one noticed"

I have always been there when anyone needed me,
you only had to utter the words.

Friend: A person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

That definition of Friend pales in comparison to mine.

Friend: A person that loves you for no other reason then just being you, You can call them at 2am and they will listen to whatever you have to say. They don't judge you from doing dumb things or for being strange instead they blind you with unfiltered acceptance. You can trust them with all your secrets and they care about you when you don't even care about yourself.

*Side Note* I still love you... Despite this.

Everythings on fire...

So I started reading The Hunger Game Series, and now it is my current obsession,
I started the next book last night, eeep.
And sometime in March, China glaze
(My favorite nail polish)
is going to be releasing a Hunger games line,
I already have my eye's set on 3 of the colors.
^_^
Anyway...
A few days ago I was watching MTV and A video came on and I instantly fell in love with it.
It's a Taylor Swift and The Civil wars song,
but it sounds more like it would be an Eisley song.
So as it turns out it was actually a song for the Hunger Games Soundtrack.
I think the song has a romantic feel to it and its hauntingly beautiful and sweet.
So without any further ado....

A moment of blinding insight

I was thinking today about the first time I realized that I was a pretty good writer
I was in High School and we had to write an short story,
I can't remember what class it was for but the story was about a Native American boy hunting.
I had worked so hard on it and I was really proud of it.
I had made numerous drafts and even typed it up.

A few days later we all got our papers back but I didn't get mine back
So I approached my teacher after class and asked him why I didn't get mine
He said "Oh, I wanted to talk to you about this."
Now here I was thinking oh he's going to tell me how good it is.
I never expected what he said next.

"Where did you get this from?"
"Huh, I wrote it..."
"Now you're not in trouble, I just want to know where you got it from"
(isn't that just what every adult tells you right before you get into trouble?)

I was flabbergasted, not only was I being accused of some form of cheating but I was also getting into trouble for doing too good of a job on an assignment.
"I wrote it, I have the drafts at home"
"Well tomorrow bring them in so I can take a look at them"
I think at this point I mumbled something along the lines of "Okay" or "Yeah"

I held my paper in my hand and I felt dejected and let down.
I was so shocked, angry and frustrated that I nearly started crying.
Thank god I had made drafts, It wasn't a habit of mine to draft my projects, I usually just typed them up and edited them along the way.
The next day I showed the drafts to the teacher
and he looked at them and gave me my grade in kind of a dismissive way.

What was the point of accusing me and then barely glancing over my drafts.
I wasn't until much later that I realized this was sort of back handed complement.

My work was good enough for the teacher to think I forged it.
So that's where it all began,
I think I always had a passion for writing but the actions of that teacher confirmed it.
So i'm not sure if that teacher did a bad thing or a good thing.
I might never figure that out...

Woken from the dream by my own name...

"We were both broken in our own ways
Sifting through the rubble for the wrong things"

So another Valentines Day has passed and here I am, single, but surprisingly happy.
I have gotten to a point where I know what I want and I wont settle for less,
If that means I have to stay single, I'm okay with that.
I have been listening to Death Cab for Cutie's "Underneath the Sycamore" on repeat for the last two days. It is amazing...
The lyrics above as well as the post title are from this very song.
This song just has a subtle message about overcoming things and
recognizing the fact that you may not be heading in the right direction
but you keep on going until you can find the right path
Maybe alone or with the help of someone else.
Truly moving...
Here is some Ear Candy:

*Side Note* Happy Valentines Day!!